You May Now Kiss the Other Bride

by Kendra

If you’re a visitor to OneWed.com planning a ceremony with twice the bride or a heaping extra helping of groom, welcome! We’ve got plenty of general wedding planning advice around the site, but here are a few topics that are of special interest for same-sex couples.

No, not why that one season of The L Word was so awful. But come to my wedding and we can totally talk about that at the reception.

When you want a wedding and not a commitment ceremony
At this writing, there are two U.S. states that allow gay marriage – Massachusetts and Connecticut. Massachusetts used to allow weddings for in-state residents only, but as of November 12, 2008, out-of-staters with honorable intentions are welcome as well.

If you’re a nonresident thinking about getting hitched in either state, check out our Destination Weddings section for timelines and tips on getting everything coordinated.

The unfortunate passage of California’s Proposition 8 has shut down that state’s booming wedding tourism industry, but don’t despair just yet if you had your heart set on California wedding day dreams: There are, at last count, three different legal challenges to the gay marriage ban, and the courts have already agreed to at least hear them.

If you need to fill the time while you’re waiting, write to the local chamber of commerce and California’s bankrupt state legislature and mention how many dollars your Big Gay Wedding would have brought into the state. Don’t forget to include meals and hotel stays for your wedding party.

Who wears the gown and who wears the tux?
Who cares? I think one of the great things about gay and lesbian weddings is that you’ve already taken the step of bending conventions to suit your needs. Why worry about who takes on which outdated gender role? Or making sure your great aunt Hernelia understands which one of you is the femme and which one is the soft butch? Who needs it? Just follow Portia and Ellen’s lead and go for general looking incredible, both individually and as a set. It’ll work.

I’ve seen fetching double-dress and tux-and-tux combos, black tux-white tux blends, and the ever popular hot-guys-in-tuxes-with kilts. Go get ‘em.

Finding vendors and officiants
Both Massachusetts and Connecticut are pretty easygoing about letting consenting adults do their own thing, but you can find little pockets of bigotry anywhere. Just like in most areas, you’ll find your best odds in major cities or in gay Mecca resort areas.

As for your officiant, I’m a fan of asking a good friend who’s a good speaker to get a quick ordination from the Universal Life Church, the all-time champ at cranking out reverends. But other, more building-based churches like the Unitarians are reliably gay-friendly. Buddhists don’t actually consider marriage to be a sacrament, but they do believe that love in general is a very good thing, and joining two souls can’t possibly be hurting anything, so a Buddhist officiant may be a good choice, especially if you’re going for a spiritual-but-not-religious tone.

If you’re set on a specific religious ceremony, call GLBT support centers in the cities you’re hoping to hit. They’ll probably have a good list of friendly ministers, monks, and rabbis.

The part no one wants to talk about
As a few couples have sadly discovered, a country that has conflicting laws about getting married can be a nightmare to get divorced in. Incredibly, lawmakers in the very states that least want gay and lesbian couples to get married in the first place are now essentially forcing those couples to stay together. Their reasoning is that since your marriage does not, in their eyes, exist, they cannot possibly grant you a divorce. Thanks, folks.

As upsetting and uncomfortable as it is, it’s crucial for gay and lesbian couples to talk about things like what happens with property and child custody should the worst happen. And get your decisions down on paper before the wedding.

Awful? Yes. But it’s damn sight better than you and your ex having to move to the state you got married in long enough to establish residency just so you can get a divorce.

Relative freakouts
It’s amazing how many previously supportive families I’ve heard about who have hit a wall when a marriage comes up. Sometimes they just need time to let go of the last little piece of the you-having-a-perfect-traditional-wedding fantasy they started dreaming about the minute you were born, and sometimes they have to deal with their love for you suddenly butting up against a deep religious conviction they’ve been trying to keep out of your way.

If you’re talking wedding with your family, you’ve already dealt with any coming out issues and know how to talk to them and when to give them space. Just be aware that your announcement may bring on a little spurt of weirdness you weren’t planning on. Don’t worry. They’ll be fine and trying to match up your friends by the reception.

Pass the good karma along
As you’ve doubtless noticed more than once, the gay/lesbian/bi/transgender community can be incredibly supportive at times… And sometimes it can seem just a tad isolating and indifferent if your problems sound like work and there’s a better party on.

But that won’t be you. Once you’ve thrown your wedding, you’ll be so full of love that you’ll be happy to help the next couple find a bakery that’s willing to remix the cake toppers. So enjoy the warm sense of do-gooding and have yourselves a blast.

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