Firing Your Bridesmaid

by Bree

I’ve been pretty lucky when it comes to bridesmaid duties. So far all I’ve had to do is buy a few dresses and help put together centerpieces, wedding favors, and bags of birdseed. Oh, and once I drove to a convenience store for some ice.

But I had some pretty easygoing brides… and some kind of hard-core maids of honor who really liked to organize. It’s pretty easy to help throw a bachelorette party when all you have to do is show up.

If you’re having an elaborate wedding and holding down a job like me, you really may need some help from your bridesmaids. A fun, game group of girls like mine (thanks, ladies!) are a godsend. If your ladies dive right in with a sense of fun the Mary Poppins rule kicks in. Snap! The job’s a game! With my maids it meant that the address-my-invitations brunch turned into a hilarious gossip-fest where we had to keep putting our pens down because we were laughing so hard, but in that case it’s worth things taking a little longer than they should.

But a reluctant bridesmaid can be a real problem. It doesn’t matter how phenomenal your maid of honor is about rallying the troops for fittings if one of your maids keeps flaking out on them. And one bridesmaid who balks at helping out can dampen the enthusiasm of your other pals. A maid who’s really determined to be difficult can really throw a wrench into your wedding planning.

If she were your employee, you’d call her in, give her a kind-but-stern lecture about her performance, and let her know that she’s fired if she screws up again. But she’s not, she’s your bridesmaid, and you chose this galpal for a reason. Letting your bridesmaid go isn’t like changing your hairstylist. (Although, given my fear of running into my last hairstylist, maybe it is). This one can incinerate a friendship or make family gatherings tense for years to come.

So you have to be delicate, loving, and crafty. You know, like when you were first attracted to that guy who became your fiancé. Only different.

First, figure out why she’s being such a pain. It could be that she’s dragging her feet because she’s had her feelings hurt somewhere along the line. Is she upset that someone else was tapped to be your maid of honor? Miffed that you decided against the bridesmaid dresses with the stomach cut-outs when you know she’s been doing Pilates twice a day? If she feels like she’s being neglected somehow but can’t express it, those feelings may manifest in her being a total drag. It’s not adult or fair, but it’s worth addressing for your own sanity.

Or it may be that she’s flaking out because she didn’t understand what being a bridesmaid would involve when she said yes. She may be too busy, or she may be realizing that she’s taken on more of an expense than she can really afford right now. If that’s the case, your bridesmaid is probably acting weird because she’s anxious – she doesn’t think she can fulfill her duties and she doesn’t want to let you down. That can make people defensive and, frankly, kind of a pain in the butt.

So the only thing to do is have a talk. If you think she genuinely doesn’t understand bridesmaid duties due to general cluelessness, then maybe you can get away with asking your maid of honor to sit down with her and get her up to speed, but odds are that’s not the case. Which means you have to do the talking,

Meet her for lunch or coffee and see if you can get her to talk about what’s up. It may be that getting whatever it is off her chest can make a huge difference. Be as gentle and non-accusatory as you can so she won’t feel attacked and can calmly tell you what she’s thinking. Try phrases like “It seems like you’re not really enjoying being a bridesmaid,” rather than “What the hell is up your butt lately?”

Let her say what she needs to without interruption, and without contradicting her until she’s done. Then you can talk. When it’s your turn, it will help if you start by repeating or paraphrasing what she’s said back to her. (“I’m sorry that you feel pushed aside.” “I do know about your strong commitment to bellybutton rings, and I’ve always admired it. I just felt like…”) Repeating her ideas back to her will make sure she knows you’re really listening to her, and will help keep things calm.

It’s possible that knowing you’re disappointed (and knowing that you care enough to really listen to her) will be enough to get your bridesmaid to shape up.

Or not. If you do think you need to fire her after your talk, try to make it more her idea. Giving her an out can help you both save face. Acknowledge her point of view, and offer her the chance to bow out and enjoy the wedding as a guest.

If she doesn’t get the hint, sleep on it. Then think, then sleep on it again. Make sure you’re calm, then really think about whether avoiding a few months of wedding stress is worth years of bad feelings. If you can possibly tough it out, do.

If not, do what you have to – again, as gently as you can. I won’t lie: This is probably going to get ugly and stay that way for a while. The only thing you can do is take the high road. Be calm, be sad that things didn’t work out, and refuse to trash her.

Then get back to your wedding planning and focus on how lucky you are that your other bridesmaids are so terrific.

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