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Five Hundred of Your Very Closest Friends
by Dani
I’ve invited people to plenty of parties. I’ve never had it make me want to curl up in a little ball and rock back and forth before. But that’s wedding planning for you. Sometimes everyone’s good intentions collide. I’m not claiming that putting together the guest list will ever be easy. I’m just saying you can minimize your time in the fetal position.
Set your budget.
Do this first and foremost. Your budget will keep you and your groom grounded in reality about how many people you can really invite. Decide on a firm, realistic number of guests, and agree as a team to stick to it.
The great thing about this tactic is that just about everyone understands and sympathizes with a tight wedding budget. So when people pour out of the woodwork wheedling for more slots, explaining that you had to set a strict guest limit for budgetary reasons will usually beat them back.
Make two lists with your groom.
The first list is the guests who are absolutely non-negotiable. Siblings, anyone who has given one of you a kidney — people like that. The second list is your A-list: dear friends and more distant relatives who you would really love to have with you. With luck, you won’t have to trim this list. But you might, so make it out carefully.
Decide together how many people your parents get to invite.
Your parents should have a say in the guest list, especially if they’re kicking in money. (But they don’t get to own the list. I’ve been to those weddings, and they are close to no fun.) Being fair doesn’t necessarily mean splitting the number you’ve allotted for your parents down the middle. If one of you has a large family and the other a small one, you can figure out a fair proportion. But do it together.
Being a team will be important when you let your parents know how many guests they can invite. Your parents are proud, and they want every last one of their friends to come, not to mention a ton of relatives. Be understanding, but be firm about those numbers. Explain that you two have decided on the final number together, and fall back on your old friend the budget if they try to push the numbers up.
If your parents absolutely have to invite more people, let them know that you will consider it (together) if they are willing to kick in for more guests and a bigger venue. Unless, of course, you aren’t willing to consider it. If you want small, go small.
Give your parents a deadline.
Let them know – gently – that they need to have names and confirmed current addresses for all their invitees to you by that date. (Secretly give yourself a day or two for revisions. If they try to sneak extra names onto the list, kick it back for a trim.)
If you have room, go to your B list.
And rejoice. Many couples don’t get to go to their B lists. (If you don’t have room for a B list, you don’t have to be too sad. You can always have a fun party later.) Take lots of fun breaks here – keep the list-making light, so you don’t get too much dickering. And see if you can find it in your hearts to toss another guest or two to your parents.
Give yourself an “Oh, my God” cushion.
Once you have the “final” list, give yourselves a day or three so your brain has time to make you go “Oh, my God! Cousin Hubert!” Double-check your address books and cell phone lists. Go for head-clearing walks. Give yourself a chance to catch that guest who you couldn’t possibly forget… but nevertheless did.
Send out your save-the-date cards.
And pat yourselves on the back. You did it!
