Invitations You Don’t Want To Send

by Jen

If you have one of those families where the only issues that crop up at gatherings of the clan are over who gets to be the top hat in the Monopoly game this year, go ahead and skip to the next article. This one is for those of us who have a relative or two who sometimes make you wish you could take pruning shears to the family tree.

If you know from cold, hard experience that cousin Roland really doesn’t think a party has gotten going until he’s at least down to his boxers and great-aunt Gert is guaranteed to start making loud speeches about how an alien race of lizards is secretly controlling the world’s Botox supply, it may be tempting to send their invitations via tramp steamer or carrier pigeon. (Don’t pick carrier pigeon. Those little suckers are surprisingly fast and hard to lose.) Or it maybe tempting to not invite them at all.

But you’re a nice person and he or she is family. Where do you draw the line?

The line that stays drawn
First off, if we’re talking about someone who physically abused you or a sibling, we’re well out of “difficult relative” territory here. You have every right to keep this person out of your life and no obligation to socialize. You don’t have to explain to your guests. Just know that you can tear up that invitation guilt-free.

If your parents pressure you for family unity or to avoid making waves, give them a listen… Maybe. Consider inviting the abuser only he or she has been getting treatment and is trying to make amends, and even then only if you really think you will be comfortable with it. If you don’t think you’ll be OK, don’t be pressured. And, though many people are confused on that point, it really isn’t good etiquette to invite a monster just because he or she is family or to keep up appearances. These situations are exactly what the old social custom of “cutting someone dead” was invented for.

If you feel like you’re caving under pressure, talk to your fiancé. In fact, talk to him before that. He will be on your side and help you stand firm. Yes, you are a strong woman who can take care of herself. But it’s OK to lean on someone in this case. For that matter, it’s one of the reasons your fiancé is marrying you: he loves you and wants to take care of you in times of crisis. So let him.

The lines that are blurrier
Your difficult relatives who really are just difficult should get a little more consideration. First off, remember that all your wedding guests have families and most will have a few weirdos in the bunch. No one really thinks that your odd family members reflect on you. And failing to invite anyone who’s an aunt, uncle, first cousin, or closer will cause hurt feelings that will make future gatherings – including weddings – difficult for a long time to come.

So if you can, grin and bear it. While you’re grinning, here are a few more strategies:

Relatives who can’t hold their liquor
Talk to your bartender. Bartenders like happy guests, but they really do dislike drunks. If you have someone you know will be a problem, give the bartender a heads-up and he or she will be glad to help. You may even want to offer a photograph of the guest or guests who shouldn’t be overserved.

If your guest also gets belligerent, your bartender will need someone to appeal to. (Not you, and ideally not anyone in the wedding party. You’ll be busy.) Ask a large and diplomatic friend or relative to be the point person, and be sure to fill him in on the situation. He’ll be able to help the bartender enforce cutoffs and redirect your guest to the coffee urn.

Argumentative relatives
If you know you have a couple of relatives who can’t resist picking fights with each other, your first line of defense is your seating plan. Seat them far, far away from each other and that will keep things quiet at least through dinner.

For the rest of the reception, you should once again deputize. Your large and diplomatic guy who’s on point for the bar can also be effective in ratcheting people down. This works best if he’s 1) inherently gentle 2) friendly and quiet and 3) large enough to make the arguers wonder about how long those first two will last.

Other deputies can be useful just in case. Try an innocently winsome bridesmaid or groomsman to redirect one of the fighters to the cake, punchbowl, or dance floor. You may also find two kinds of old ladies handy: The sweetest granny in the room, to shame them into peace, and the scariest, most magnificent old battleaxe you’ve got. She’ll terrify them into being good.

There are other strategies, of course, but none of them should involve people who also enjoy yelling. Don’t be shy about asking. You will actually have at least a few guests who enjoy helping out this way. My stepfather, for example, is a genius at keeping potentially cantankerous guests just tipsy enough to keep them in a good mood but not drunk enough to get yelly. And he loves doing it because he’s essentially playing a practical joke, but in the service of good. Everybody’s happy.

Handsy relatives
These come in both genders and can be equally embarrassing. It’s a tough one to confront the offenders about, because they either think they’re genuinely being harmless and charming or their self-esteem is so tragically wrapped up in their idea of their own sexiness that any talk will be threatening to them and thus will probably get ugly.

Your best bet is to quietly tip off any guests who may be the unwitting targets of Great Aunt Ursula’s impromptu games of Post Office. Most adults have learned how to defend themselves from unwanted physical affection, especially if they know who to look out for.

If the relative in question has a known penchant for getting handsy with jailbait or any behavior that’s threatening (trying to trap a woman’s hands, pressing her up against a wall, or trying to cut her off from the other guests), then, yes, you do need to have that ugly talk. Keeping your guests safe trumps avoiding embarrassing the offender. Make it clear that the behavior isn’t cute and that your octopus relative will be asked to leave if it happens. Or, in an extreme case, you can tell your relative that you would love to have him there and want to share this day with him, but you need to know that he’ll behave himself.

This will be very embarrassing to your relative, so be prepared for some deflection. Be gentle, but stand firm. And, yes, do ask an intimidating friend or two to keep an eye out.

Bigoted relatives
Ah, life’s most interesting test of good people: How tolerant do you have to be of someone’s intolerance? In this case, I’m going to assume that we’re not talking about a case where your relative is bigoted against, for example, your groom or your child. That’s a very different can of worms, and one that pretty much defaults to an awkward conversation and the possibility that an invitation may not be the best idea for anyone.

So assuming we’re talking about more generalized, loose-cannon bigotry, what do you do? Ironically, you have to consider each bigot as a unique person. Is he or she a quiet bigot who can be relied upon to just quietly stew or the making-loud-remarks kind? Is he or she old and feeble enough to get a free pass from most people? Bottom line: how uncomfortable will your bigot make your guests?

This is a case where I highly recommend appealing to your parents for wisdom. They’ve probably been dealing with the bigot in question at family events for years, and will most likely have some practical advice.

Relatives who have loud, bizarre theories
Thank goodness, we’ve at last arrived at an easy problem. I know: Your brother and his diatribes about how the moon landing was faked and your step-aunt who can’t stop talking about how the Belgians control American Presidential elections are mortifying.

But to another guest, I promise you, your family conspiracy theorist will be a bigger treat than the cake. Seat your eccentric relative with the pal who most loves to collect unusual people – an armchair anthropologist or sociologist will be delighted, as will actors or writers, who study people for a living. Any of these guests will be genuinely interested to hear about your theorist’s beliefs, eager to discuss them without being too challenging, and thrilled to have made his or her acquaintance.

Don’t be surprised if you’re answering questions from your buddy about how your “embarrassing” relative is doing for years to come.

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