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One Mother of a Problem
by Dani
I almost feel bad about writing this article. I feel like mothers-in-law get a bad rap. I’ve been lucky enough to date guys with terrific, welcoming moms. (In fact, one was too welcoming, and was prone to handing me small children at family events and exclaiming “Look how good she is with them!”) My future mother-in-law is a gem who loves to forward me reviews of books she thinks I’ll like. She’s usually right.
On the other hand, there is a nugget of truth in any cultural myth, and conflict with the mother-in-law is one of the biggies. A wedding is a blending of families, and it’s easy for conflicts to crop up if everyone isn’t careful. Your mother-in-law, like it or not, is going to be one of the biggest relationships in your new life. If you’re having trouble, here are a few suggestions for smoothing things over.
Face the fear.
Here’s the thing: almost nobody on the planet wakes up in the morning and thinks, “I’m going to be evil today!” or “Looks like a perfect day to be a controlling bitch!” As a rule, people’s motivations are good. People tend to lash out or act badly when they are afraid or feeling insecure. So if your future other mother is being difficult, figure out what’s frightening her.
If the difficulty has just cropped up since the wedding planning, it may be the planning itself that’s bothering her. She may feel pushed to the side a bit. The mother of the bride gets a fair amount of attention during the wedding process, but the mother of the groom can feel kind of invisible. If you think that’s the case, do what you can to make her feel a part of the process, even if it’s just letting her know what you and your fiancé have decided. If there are areas where you’d like – or wouldn’t mind – her input, by all means ask for it. If you’ve got it narrowed down to three centerpieces you’d be happy with, why not let her be the tiebreaker? She’s less likely to feel like she has to fight for a part in the process if she already feels like she has one.
Face the big fear.
It’s also very possible that your future mother-in-law is worried about losing her son. She’s been the most important woman in his life for at least a couple of decades, and now you’re taking over. It’s a tough place to be.
You can help by making sure she knows she’s not really losing her son. Encourage your fiancé to spend time with her. Sometimes it should just be the two of them, but sometimes you should go too, so it doesn’t feel like he’s making a choice between the two of you. Let her know that you want her to be a part of your lives. Again, she won’t fight for attention if she doesn’t feel like she has to.
Learn to like her.
Admit it: You tend to like people who like you. If nothing else, you know that they have excellent taste. The more your future mother-in-law knows that you genuinely like her, the easier your relationship will get.
This can be hard, especially when it feels like she’s the one who started the frostiness. But you are a strong woman, and you can do this.
In the first place, this woman helped produce the wonderful man who became your fiancé, so you have to love her for that, right? There must be something terrific about her that helped make him so terrific. Look for that, and enjoy it when you see it.
It can also help to look for things she’s good at. Gardening? Karate? Writing radio jingles? Ask about them. People love to talk about their passions. Really listen and ask good questions. It can also help to ask for her advice in her areas of expertise. Knowing you value her experience and opinions puts you firmly in that good taste category.
And if you find things about her you admire, go ahead and do so. I’m not talking about flattery – sooner or later, everyone spots it. But if you genuinely like and admire something about her, be a little more open about that.
It may take a little time, but breaking up the ice on her side will help her warm up too.
Show your love.
Whether it’s a reasonable fear or not, your future mother-in-law may be worried that you may not treat her son well. She needs to know that you’ll be good to him. So make sure you’re always treating him well, especially when she’s around.
No, you don’t need to be dropping to your knees to administer foot rubs every ten minutes. Just make sure that you’re treating him like you feel about him – which isn’t a bad rule for both of you, all the time.
Everything from the tone of voice you use to the way you touch him when she’s around can be an issue. Make sure you’re not taking him for granted or treating him like anything other than the guy you love.
Did you just catch yourself making excuses for why it’s OK to snap at your fiancé sometimes because of the stress of wedding planning? Or how he knows you don’t like throat-clearing, so he must just be doing it to bother you…? Stop and check yourself. The lady may have a point. It’s easy to lash out at the people closest to you when you’re under stress. Make sure that isn’t happening with your groom.
If she doesn’t have a point, she’ll realize it eventually. It’s just going to take a little time and patience to make sure she knows you’ll treat her son right.
Make her one of the girls.
As much as she needs to know that the losing a son part of the old saying is false, it can help to show her that the gaining a daughter part is true. Take some time to hang out with her in ways that have nothing to do with the wedding. Invite her to lunch with you and your mom, or with your fiancés sisters if he has any. If she doesn’t have daughters, take her out on some girly mother-daughter activities she may have missed out on. The more she understands you’re adding fun to her life instead of taking it away, the more she’ll be enthused about your joining the family.
Remember this later.
One day, you too may be a mother of the groom. Show the bride you’re not so scary. Give her a warm welcome, take her to lunch, and cut her some slack.
