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Parental Advisory - When Your Parents Don't Like Your Groom
by Jen
Dating someone your parents don’t like is all good fun in high school. Some girls still date guys who are off the Approved List to shake things up in college – not that they’d admit it for a moment. But after that, you work out your issues and stop dating people for maximum shock value. You pick guys for the way they make you feel, and as a rule, yes, once you really start letting one into your life, it’s natural to want your family to love him too.
It’s difficult to date a guy who your parents don’t care for, but getting engaged to someone your parents can’t stand can break your heart about six times over. It’s painful to have the important people in your life at odds. If you don’t feel like you’ve already tried everything, you might take a look at our humble advice.
Ask them.
This won’t necessarily be easy, as you’re going to have to listen to your parents badmouth the man you love with as little judgment as possible. Try to listen as openly as you can, and avoid leaping to his defense until they’re done.
This sounds like no fun at all, but you can defuse a lot by just letting people have their say. They may be able to settle down now that they’re no longer holding their objections back. And if they dislike him because of a misunderstanding or a simple cultural difference, now you’ll know that and will be able to explain.
Check in with your friends.
The people who love you want you to be happy. Even if you have a difficult relationship with your parents, odds are they’re on your side. So if they don’t like your fiancé, you may want to look at the possibility – however remote – that they dislike him because they don’t think he’s treating you well. If your friends also seem to bristle around your fiancé, that’s a big red flag. Have lunch alone with one of your friends who loves you enough to be completely honest. Listen to what she has to say, and no shooting the messenger. If the people in your life who care about you the most like this guy the least, it’s time to take a step back and look at your relationship. Yes, you know your guy best, and you can probably trust your instincts about him. But if you’ve got love’s blinders on, it’s better to find out now than later.
Make sure they know you’re happy.
Your parents may not understand why you like this guy so much. And, if you think about it, they may not have seen him at his best. Even the greatest guys in the world can get nervous around their future in-laws. Make sure they understand why you get such a kick out of him – why he makes you laugh, or the way he’s really opened up the world of European team handball for you. Tell them about thoughtful little things he does, and give them a chance to see how happy you are when you’re with him. When they realize that he’s as big a fan of you as they are, they’ll know he has excellent taste.
Wait it out.
Unfortunately, sometimes parents will dislike a partner for reasons you just can’t agree with. Or even reasons that are just flat-out wrong. If your parents dislike your intended because of differences in religion, money, or race, or if they’re upset because the person they were hoping would be the man in your life is actually a woman, you may just have to be patient but firm with them. It’s not unheard of for people to change their minds, but it does take time.
Insist your family include your fiancé (or fiancée) in all family events and treat him or her with absolute courtesy and respect. You should prepare yourself for the fact that they may never change, but then again you never know. As the years go by, they’re more and more likely to see the person inside instead of the outer trappings.
Turn a bad situation into a situation comedy.
If you’re already in a bad place and don’t see any sudden changes of heart on the horizon, you might as well amuse yourself with wacky sitcom scheming. Pretend to break up and then date someone much, much worse for a while so they’ll see your fiancé as a blessing, If at all possible, employ fake moustaches, wacky foreign accents, and plenty of door-slamming.
Pinterest
Hi, me and my fiancee has been engaged for a little over a year now, at first my parents (my mom and her husband, my dad and his wife) seemed to like him, then my mother started talking about her concerns, i listened and explained to her what the situation was about. My fiancee has a very strong personality, he is in the airforce, so he can seem very demanding, and some times he is. My stepdad and he had a fall out, because he didn't approve with what my stepdad said, and he told him that, now he doesn't like him, i spoke to them and said that their perseption of him is completely wrong, it seems to me that the just don't want to accept him and see the possitive in him, and how wonderfully he treets me, my dad likes him, because my dad is in the police and they share the same values, i think my mother doesn't want me to marry a guy similar to my father. We don't visit them anymore bacuase of the situation, and it is just very uncomfortable. I said to my fiancee a perception can only be lived out and proven wrong. Do you have any suggestions on how we can handle this situation?
Thank you xxx
All I can say is that I am going through the same thing. And I think the answer comes from the Lord. I'm waiting for my answer. Because even though I care about my parents and want them to love my fiancee, I don't want to not be able to go to my parent's house for Christmas, just because. Working progress.
I just came back from a six day trip home to see my family for the holidays. My boyfriend and I have known pretty much since our first date a year ago that we wanted to get married and spend our lives together. My family seemed fine with him until this trip because we got formally engaged right before we went home to visit. This was the most awkward and uncomfortable I have ever felt around my family. They were cold to my fiancee and were constantly questioning me, like I am some sort of idiot who doesn't know what is good for me. They have made it clear that they won't help with the wedding cost. My fiancee is a musician and they think that he can't "take care of me" and they refuse to see all the amazing qualities that I see in him. All I can say about it is that only I know what makes me happy. They may not understand it or want to understand, but I can't let them bother me. I just have to continue doing what I believe is right for me and not let anyone get in the way.
My parents have gone back and forth between "it's not him, it's just your 21," to "It's not that your getting married, it's him." I've dated my high school sweetheart for 5 years next week, we've already agreed to push off the wedding to make everyone happy, and all my girlfriends love him.
I have been fighting the battle of my mother and my fiance's hate towards each other and it tears me apart because he isn't the one she would have chosen and he can't stand her lack of support for me and my life.
What's a poor recent grad to do?
My parents and my friends have all made negative comments about my beloved ... they range from, "he's so below you in every way," to "he's not smart enough for you," etc. We come from very different backgrounds - his parents struggled from poverty to now own a successful electrician business and my parents come from money, doctors, lawyers, etc. He also has a cleft palate and my family has some prejudice against this - they see me with a perfect, polished, educated, well-to-do man who can mingle well at the yacht club. My beloved is simply too different to fit in with my family or social circles ... they do not value the qualities that make him special (or that make me happy) - his warmth, his unconditional love, his wise and balanced view of the world, his compassion for others, and his incredible generosity of spirit, his adventurousness, his love of the outdoors and sports, his romanticism. It is a constant source of pain that my family fails to support me. And two of my close friends question why we are together. I have had to distance myself from them.
my boyfriend and i have been dating almost a year and my parents don't like him/ approve of him because he has a child. does this give me a reson to break up with him or should i stick to what i believe and continue dating?
I have a son with my fiancee and although we haven't told any of my family yet of our engagement, I know that my family will no approve of it. I think the main reason that they don't care for him is that he is completely unlike my father. His drive isn't as strong or he isn't as quick to respond. I can see how it drives them nuts, it did me in the beginning. They also feel that since he is so much older (12 years) and he doesn't have a stable (construction worker) job that his future as a provider isn't great.
I understand all of these things about him and we've had our blowouts over it, and I suppose my mistake was confiding in my mother when we were having issues, but now I wish that they will be happy for me.
I think the biggest thing is that their doubts and dislikes about him are affecting how I want to tell them. I don't at all because I'm afraid that they will disapprove so severely that it will affect the relationship between my parents and myself.
How am I to go about this? Do i have to keep it a secret forever?