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To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
by The OneWed Team
While one’s wedding night doesn’t necessarily have the same cherry-busting significance it once did, most women do want to make it special. Our crack team of wedding specialists had a few ideas. Names have been disguised to protect the no-longer-innocent.
Cheetara
It is kind of weird to think about making it special. I don’t know – it’ll be special because we’ll be married. And I’ll be wearing white lingerie.
Jezebel
White?
Cheetara
Goes with the dress. He rips it off and he’s already in Treat City. I love it – it’s old-fashioned garters-and-stockings stuff. It’s, like, sleazy and sweet at the same time.
Jezebel
Naughty angel!
Cheetara
Yeah – like that. I don’t usually dress up for sex, so I guess that’ll be special.
Roz
We’ve actually talked about not having sex on our wedding night.
Jezebel
What?!
Cheetara
My butt you have.
Stompirella
Always the romantic.
Roz
Oh, come on. We know we’re both going to be exhausted, we’ll have to catch a plane in the morning – why not wait and then start the honeymoon off with a bang?
Jezebel
Puns do not get you off the hook for not consummating.
Roz
Well, that’s kind of the point of our little discussion. Consummating our relationship happened a while ago. It’s not like it seals the deal on a wedding anymore. Well, for most people.
Stompirella
The thought of being a virgin when you get married is so scary to me. Like, what if you get married and discover you don’t like jumping him?
Roz
I guess you either have to learn to speak up or you live in a culture where you don’t get much choice about what you get in bed to begin with. Or both. I don’t know how that works.
Cheetara
I don’t like the idea that one or both of you should be completely inexperienced, but I do get wanting there to be something that’s just yours, you know?
Jezebel
My fiancé used to joke about something I haven’t done that we could do on our wedding night. But he wasn’t entirely joking.
Stompirella
Aw, see, I wish I’d saved that. That would be sort of sweet.
Roz
I can’t take you anywhere.
Stompirella
What? It would.
Cheetara
Wait. Why did your fiancé stop joking about it?
Jezebel
I told him I’d let him if he’d let me first.
Roz
We have officially lowered the tone.
Stompirella
You said be frank.
Cheetara
That brings us to a good point, though: Toys on the wedding night? Yes or no?
Stompirella
It’s supposed to be your best sex ever. I say anything goes. No holds barred. Bring a trapeze and a marching band if you want.
Jezebel
I don’t know. I’d worry that [the future Mr. Jezebel] might feel competitive with a toy.
Roz
Yeah, maybe. Or not competitive, but… Like it’s a guest that doesn’t need to be there. Like, I’d consider having a threesome –
Stompirella
Oooooh. Look at yooooou all of a sudden.
Roz
Shut up. My point is, I’d consider having a threesome, but definitely not on my wedding night, you know? That night should be a me-and-him thing.
Jezebel
Yeah. Toys before and toys after, but the old-fashioned way on your wedding night.
Stompirella
Jeez. Why don’t you sew in a hymen and do it through a hole in the sheet?
(Jezebel dissolves into giggles.)
Cheetara
What?
Jezebel
That’s how we’re going to make it special. We’ll put sheets over our heads like Charlie Brown ghosts. We each get to cut one eyehole and then we have to find each other.
Roz
…And we’re done. Thanks, ladies.
