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My Three Dads
by Marta
This week, Wedding Maven Marta Segal Block deals with things getting a little lopsided on the groom's side of the aisle.
Dear Wedding Maven,
My fiance’s family is a little messed up. He has three men who could be considered “his father.” There’s the man he thought was his biological father, his actual biological father, and a stepfather who has been in his life since grade school. The short explanation is that his mother cheated on her husband, got pregnant but stayed with her husband, then later got divorced and remarried. His bio dad has recently made contact with him and is trying to establish a relationship.
I’m unsure about how to handle two things. First, the invitation wording. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and would like to be listed on the invitations. I think his parents would like that as well, in some way. Second, there’s seating. Where do all these men sit? My future mother-in-law has said very clearly that since Bio Dad did not raise my fiancé, he should not sit with the family. My husband’s first father is understandably uncomfortable around Bio Dad. But, since he’s reached out to us, I feel funny not including him with the family.
My fiancé says he feels like he’s being punished for something that he has no control over. I think the whole thing is a bomb that could blow up in our faces and I don’t know how to defuse it.
Signed,
Bridal Bomb Squad
Dear Bomb Squad,
Let me just say that since your future m-i-l couldn't keep her pants zipped 20 some years ago, the least she can do is keep her mouth zipped now. This decision is not up to her. Someone in her family should be assigned to make sure she knows that.
To avoid having your wedding invitation read like a phone book or a Jerry Springer guest list, I suggest you talk to your parents. They may be willing to give up the traditional invite in order to spare your fiancé’s feelings.
But, if it’s really important to your parents to be listed, then I suggest some version of:
John and Jane Boring request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter, Bridal Bomb Squad to Confused Groom, son of
Ms. Causes Trouble, Mr. Raised Him-As-My-Own, Mr. Step-Dad and Mr. Bio Dad.
It’ll certainly be a conversation starter!
In terms of where to put all these men, again, this is up to your fiancé. If he considers all three men to be his father, then all three should sit in the front row, with his mother (for safety’s sake, put the one she dislikes the most the farthest away from her).
The two things you really need to remember though are first, these decisions are not up to you or me, they're up to your fiancé. It's his family, he makes the call. Second, although this seems like a huge problem to you, chances are few people at your wedding will even know what’s going on. Luckily, our family dramas are never as interesting to anyone else as they are to us.
Got a burning bridal question? E-mail the Wedding Maven at onewedmaven@gmail.com.
