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Culture Clash
by Marta
In this week’s column, Wedding Maven Marta Segal Block tries to iron out a few cultural wrinkles.
Dear Wedding Maven,
Ever since I saw Monsoon Wedding and Bride and Prejudice I’ve been interested in the idea of wearing a sari as a wedding dress. Now that I’m engaged, I’ve mentioned this idea to a few people, and no one else seems to think it’s a good idea. One friend even told me that since I’m not Indian, it would be offensive. I have a hard time seeing how it would be offensive, but what do you think?
Signed,
Should I be Sari?
Dear Sari,
My general rule is that if a woman is old enough to get married, she’s old enough to choose what to wear, but your case is a little different.
The world we live in is multicultural – people constantly take little bits and pieces of other cultures and create something new. Fusion cuisine, jazz music, and movies like Bride and Prejudice (an Indian re-telling of the Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice) all depend on this borrowing.
A woman walking down the street with a nose ring, dreadlocks and cowboy boots is multicultural. A white woman getting married in a sari could be seen as multicultural, or it could be seen as cultural imperialism. That’s academic-speak for stealing someone else’s culture without really understanding it.
Is it offensive? Some say yes, some say no. I will say this though: It’s not very practical. Saris are very, very difficult to wear. In fact, most Indian women don’t wear saris at their weddings, The traditional outfit is called a gaghra choli.
If you do want to wear a sari though, you will have to have someone who knows what she’s doing help you choose it (to make sure you get all the required fabric) and put it on for you the day of the wedding. But is your wedding day really the time to try something so new? Oh, and did I mention that your stomach will be exposed?
My advice is to skip the sari and instead, consider serving samosas as an appetizer at your reception. No one ever objects to cultural imperialism when it comes to food!
Dear Wedding Maven,
My son is engaged to a lovely woman of Polish descent. She is planning on having a “money dance” at the wedding. She says it’s a tradition in her family. I think it’s tacky and I’m not sure what I’ll say to my friends about my new daughter-in-law prostituting herself on her wedding day. Is this really a valid tradition? Is there any way to talk her out of it?
Signed,
Speechless
Dear Speechless,
A money dance, also known as an apron dance, is in fact a tradition in some cultures. Basically, guests pay $1 for the honor of dancing with the bride (and sometimes the groom). It’s not my cup of tea, but it’s also not my culture. (Actually, neither is tea; my people like coffee, and lots of it.)
Your friends’ reactions are almost entirely up to you. If you refer to your d-i-l as a tacky whore, they will, in fact, be appalled. However, if you treat her like the lovely woman you say she is, and treat this as a lovely and charming tradition, they will as well. Maybe you could even join the fun by making a showy display of giving your own son $1 for the honor of dancing with him? No? Then just stand on the sidelines and smile and clap.
The downside of marrying out of your own culture is that you have to learn to accept other cultural traditions. The pluses are a greatly reduced risk of devastating genetic illnesses, more attractive people, better food, and learning to accept other cultural traditions!
Now, if you will all excuse me, I think I’ll go have a meal of pierogis and palak paneer!
Do you have a question about wedding day manners, ethics, or traditions? Write the Wedding Maven at onewedmaven@gmail.com
