Is Technology Your Something New?

by Marta

In this week’s column, Wedding Maven Marta Segal Block answers some questions about technical etiquette.

Dear Wedding Maven,

Is it tacky to send my save-the-date announcements via e-mail or evite? My mom says yes, but I don’t see why. My friends and I mainly communicate via e-mail, and it’s not like this is the invitation, so what’s the problem?

Thanks,
Modern Bride

Dear Modern,

A save-the-date card is a relatively new invention. With so many couples having friends and family around the country and the world, the save-the-date card (or letter, or magnet, or photo frame, or CD) is a thoughtful way to let people start shopping for good airfares or good excuses. It’s also the first glimpse your guests have of your wedding plans. If you’re having a fairly informal wedding, then I don’t see any problem with sending your friends a save-the-date e-mail or evite, as long as you follow basic common sense and don’t let the ease of e-mail trick you into inviting extra people.

But if you’re having a formal wedding, then an e-mail or evite may give people the wrong impression. For a formal wedding, send a simple cream or white card with the basic information. If you already have a wedding website set up with hotel and travel information, then feel free to include the URL, even on a formal card.

Now, even if you do go the e-mail route, do yourself a favor: Ask your mother if she would like you to get more traditional save-the-date cards for her to send to your family and her friends. Just as the save-the-date card is the first glimpse your guests have of your wedding, this is the first glimpse you and your mom have of how to solve these differences. Save yourself a world of grief and learn to compromise now.

Dear Wedding Maven,

I’m getting married in about a year. Over the past few months I’ve put some wedding-related stuff on my Facebook Page, status updates, and a link to my wedding website. One of my “Facebook Friends” has been asking me wedding questions that makes me think she thinks she’s invited to the wedding. Is there a tactful way to tell her she isn’t?

Signed,
Facebook Fan

Dear Facebook,

It’s tempting to blame this SNAFU on Facebook and rail against modern technology. But the truth is, it could happen even to the three people left in the world not on Facebook or MySpace. Getting married is a big deal – it’s natural that even people you aren’t planning to invite to the wedding would know that you’re engaged, the month of your wedding, etc. Here’s the thing though: sites like Facebook can give “friends” a false sense of intimacy. A “Facebook Friend” who you also know in “real” life might assume that she’s close enough to be invited to your wedding, especially if you’re feeding her wedding info online.
I think the first thing you need to do is scale back the amount of inforomation you’re putting out there. Take the link to your wedding site off your Facebook page and stop the posts and notes. Save those for private e-mails and conversations. In terms of this particular woman, wait and see what happens. If she keeps asking pointed questions, you may either have to come right out and tell her she’s not invited or set another place at the reception hall.

Do you have a question about wedding day manners, ethics, or traditions? Write the Wedding Maven at onewedmaven@gmail.com

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