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Our Wedding, Their Money?
by Marta
In this week’s column, Wedding Maven Marta Segal Block offers some cold, hard truth about who holds the purse strings.
Dear Wedding Maven,
I recently got engaged. My parents have offered to pay for my wedding, which I’m very grateful for. However, I’m a little concerned about what this means. We have very different tastes. (I know my mom wants a traditional church wedding, my dad wants a sit-down dinner and a band, and I don’t want any of those.) If they’re paying, does that mean they make all the decisions?
Signed,
Daughter or Bride?
Dear DOB,
The answer to this really depends on you, your fiancé, and your parents. Since you’ve lived with your parents for a while, my guess is that deep down you already know the answer.
The first step in any good wedding plan is a workable budget. You need to sit down with your parents and ask them what their intentions are. How much are they giving you, and are they giving you this money with no strings attached, or do they want an active role in the planning?
Now keep in mind, unless you and your parents routinely discuss financial matters, the first part of this question may make them uncomfortable. If they don’t have a dollar amount in mind, ask them for a ballpark figure.
If they say it’s a gift, and there are no strings attached, you still need to be respectful of your parents’ wishes. If you have no strong objections to a church wedding, could you make your mom happy and do it? If your dad really wants at least one jitterbug number, can you ask the band to do it?
If you and your parents can’t come to a good agreement about the right balance of money and power, then try a compromise. Ask if they’d be willing to pay for one part of the wedding if they had complete control of it (your dad’s sit-down dinner, for example).
If there’s no compromise and your parents are the “my money, my party” type, then you and your fiancé have a decision to make. If you take the money, you are agreeing to let them plan the wedding, or at least have a significant influence on it. That’s the deal they’re offering, and you have to decide whether or not to accept it.
If you do decide to decline their kind offer to foot the bill, make sure you do so tactfully. Tell your parents that your wedding is the beginning of your life together, and you want to be adults about it and pay your own way. Even if you are paying your own way, you still owe your parents some consideration and respect (see if you can work in that jitterbug, but don’t worry so much about the sit-down dinner). You and your fiancé also owe it to yourselves to plan a wedding in line with your financial ability, not your parents.
You've got questions, she's got answers. Write the Wedding Maven onewedmaven@gmail.com.
