Ask the Wedding Maven: Can They Have a Second Wedding?

A few weeks ago, I answered a question from a bride who was having a second wedding ceremony for the same marriage. That column, prompted this question:

Dear Wedding Maven,
I have another question about one couple having multiple weddings. My daughter's fiancé is being deployed to Afghanistan next April. Between now and then, he will be away for months at a time for training exercises. He would like to get married before deployment so that my daughter can receive information from the military about his disposition.

We don't have time to plan a wedding before then. They are planning to exchange vows in front of parents and siblings in three weeks. Is it inappropriate to have a formal wedding in 2011, a few months after he is scheduled to return from deployment, where they can invite extended family and friends?

If this is OK, should we send an announcement regarding the vows, with an explanation? This is a difficult situation.

Signed,
Military MIL

Dear MIL,

I feel that I need to correct one of your statements. You say that you don’t have time to plan a wedding, but your daughter and her fiancé will be exchanging vows in three weeks.

You may not have time to plan a big, fancy wedding with a huge party, but exchanging vows in front of family IS a wedding. In fact, it's the most important part of a wedding. I understand that this is not the wedding of your daughter’s dreams (or yours for that matter). But why make a difficult situation worse by treating this beautiful day as though it were shameful, unimportant, or a second-best situation?

I say deal with today, today and leave 2011 to worry about later. Make this wedding as beautiful and simple as you can (no need to stress out a couple who is already under a lot of stress). There is certainly time to buy your daughter a nice dress, plan an evening out with her good friends and sisters, and find a restaurant where the whole group can go for a meal, or dessert after the wedding.

You can send out an announcement of the wedding worded something like this:

John and Rita Rigby
Joyfully announce the wedding of their daughter,
Eleanor Rigby to
Sergeant Jeff Pepper
Son of Jeff and Sadie Pepper

September 12, 2009.

The couple will be residing at:
(Eleanor’s address while Jeff is overseas)
If they prefer, the announcements can be worded as from Eleanor and Jeff. The announcements should be sent out the day of or after the wedding. I don’t think you need to do any explaining, using your S-I-L’s military rank will give most people a clue about why the wedding was done privately.

People may follow up the announcement with questions, and then you can answer truthfully about the need to move up the wedding plans. For that same reason, your daughter and s-i-l should go ahead and create a wedding gift registry.

As to what happens when your s-i-l returns, my guess is that a guy just returned from Afghanistan does not want to be immediately thrust into “wedding” planning, especially when he’s already been married for a year and half. Once he’s settled, the couple can decide if they’d like to have a “vow renewal” ceremony and reception. That event can take place whenever they want, and take whatever form they’d like from a small party to a full-out affair including bridesmaids, groomsmen, and a fabulous wedding dress. This couple has enough stress and planning on them right now, and a lot can change in a year and a half.

Best wishes to you and your family during this difficult time.

Do you need wedding advice? Have a question about wedding related traditions, etiquette, or relationships? Write the Wedding Maven at weddingmaven@onewed.com

About the Wedding Maven