Ask the Wedding Maven: Is My Maid of Honor Being Unreasonable?
Dear Wedding Maven,
I have been blessed with a wonderful Maid of Honor. I never expected any "duties" from her in particular. I truly just wanted to honor her and have an excuse for her to come along with me dress shopping, venue hunting, menu tasting, etc. Thankfully, she has been very thorough in "traditional duties" because I am pretty clueless as a bride! She has gone above and beyond to do many incredibly wonderful things for me. I have told her how grateful I am, and given her random gifts along to way to show how much I appreciate her hard work.
So my problem is that she just landed a job across the country. She is so excited for this new job, and I am truly thrilled for her. Naturally, I am going to miss her like crazy, but I am so glad she has finally gotten her dream job. She is already swamped with preparations for her big move.
I have invited her along to go pick bridesmaid dresses, shopping for my dress, etc. Each time she is too busy to come. I understand this! I make my invitations very clear that I'm not offended she can't make it. I even tried to shift my schedule around to accommodate her. So, I invited my next closest friend, who is a bridesmaid, to join me instead--I didn't want to go alone. My MOH was furious and accused me of replacing her. I finally calmed things down, but she asked me to promise that I wouldn't do anything else without her. I nicely told her that I would try to accommodate her plans and consider her feelings as much as I could, but that I do have a rapidly approaching deadline.
Then, when my future mother-in-law wanted to go see our likely finalist in the venue choices, my MOH was angry that I "excluded her." My MOH started screaming at me that I should just ask someone else to be my maid of honor if I didn't want her to be included. I've never seen this behavior from her.
Now I'm terrified about how the rest of the time before my wedding is going to go. Soon she'll be a plane-flight away AND busy. How can I do all of the many things I will ultimately have to do (that she clearly wants to be involved with) without hurting her feelings? I've tried calling to keep her as in the loop as I can without her actually being there, and I see that that's not enough. I am so confused as to why this sudden attitude change is occurring. I suppose underneath the happiness for her new job, she may be hesitant about starting a new life or missing her friends? Still...she seems a bit intense. I accept that I won't have my maid of honor close by physically, but I was relieved to think that I'd still have a great support group with my bridesmaids. Now, I see that this is going to hurt her feelings. I feel like I've tried everything to make her happy. Am I too consumed in my own blissful stress to see things clearly? Another opinion, please?
Any help? How can I better explain things to her? Any other tips to make her feel comfortable or loved?
-Trying to be Considerate
Dear Trying,
Wow! Just so other readers know I had to edit this letter a little for space reasons, but suffice it to say, this bride really is trying, and her MOH is making life difficult.
I think you’re right that your MOH is stressed out and worried about her new job and her move to a new city. You’re both moving on in different ways and your relationship will definitely change because of these changes. Her reactions are understandable and natural, but also immature and difficult.
You’ve spent a lot of time trying to placate her, but you don’t say if you’ve actually sat down with her and asked her what the problem is. One of the benefits of having a best friend is that you have someone who tells you when you’re being unreasonable and making life difficult for everyone else. You owe it to yourself, her, and your friendship to call her on her nonsense.
If you aren’t willing to have that sort of conversation with her, then at least ask her out for a planning lunch. Come prepared with your wedding checklist and a calendar. Ask her to bring her own calendar. Show her everything that needs to be done before the big date and ask her to tell you which of the items she is most interested in helping with. Then, ask her to commit to dates to do those activities. Hopefully, seeing your big list all laid out will help her realize that she can’t do everything, and also can’t expect you to wait.
Ultimately, you have to realize that you can't change her behavior or feelings, you can only change how you react to her.
Several times in your original letter you mention how much worse prepared for being a bride you are than “other brides,” and how much more help you need than others. You seem to think that there’s some bride gene out there that the rest of the women have, but you’re somehow lacking. Please stop being so hard on yourself. All couples need help planning their wedding. That’s why OneWed.com exists! There’s no one right way to do this. You and your groom love each other, and have ideas of how to express that love, put more faith in that and less faith in what the “wedding industry” tells you you’re supposed to do.
Be your own true self with your wedding and with your maid of honor, and I promise it will all get easier.
Let me know what happens, I’m very curious!
If you need wedding advice or have a question about wedding traditions, etiquette or relationships, write the Wedding Maven at weddingmaven@onewed.com
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