Traditions & Etiquette | OneWed

Ask the Wedding Maven: Don't Tweet My Wedding

Marta — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 10:13:04 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven
I’m getting married next month and I’m a little concerned about a few of my friends. These friends seem to have given up their real lives in favor of living on Facebook and Twitter. They’re constantly updating their status and sending out Tweets. I like Facebook, too, but they seem to think that everything they do deserves a status update. Which brings me to, my wedding. I really don’t want anyone tweeting my wedding. I don’t want people knowing who was and wasn’t invited, and I don’t want pictures of my wedding dress online while I’m still on my honeymoon. How do I tell these people not to turn my wedding into a Facebook post?

Signed,
Not anti-social, just anti-social networking

Dear Social,
I feel your pain. I’ve found Facebook to be a great way to stay connected to old friends and a very useful marketing tool, but I too wonder about the people who think that others want to read about what they’re watching on TV.

If you’re really concerned about one or two friends, then you can speak to each one directly. Do not turn this into a referendum on their obsessive need to be online. The easiest way to make sure that your request is NOT heard is to make the conversation about your perception of their behavior. Instead make the conversation about their actual behavior, keep your request specific. “Ashton, I know you love Twitter, but would you mind not tweeting at my wedding? I’m worried about hurting people I didn’t invite.”

If you’re having a wedding program, consider putting a note in the program itself. Something along the lines of “We’re so happy that you’re here to celebrate with us. Please be here in mind as well as body and refrain from tweeting, texting and posting during the ceremony and reception.”

It may seem a little too much like a play, but it’s also perfectly acceptable to ask your wedding officiant to remind people that this is a joyful but important event and people should keep their phones off.

Finally, I hope that you have been a good social networker throughout your engagement and kept the online wedding chatter to a minimum.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding etiquette or traditions? Write weddingmaven@onewed.com

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Top Tips for Writing Thank You Notes

Marta — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 10:52:23 -0400

A few months ago we got an interesting email in the OneWed.com offices. A woman wanted to tell us about her new business custom writing thank you notes for busy newlyweds. I have to say, this is one small business that I’m not crazy about. I understand the impulse, writing thank you notes can be a pain, but with a little thought, organization and planning, it doesn’t have to be. Here are our tips for painless thank you note writing!

Prepare and plan:
1. Keep a list of the gifts – Keep one list with everyone’s name and the gift, if you’re super organized you can create a spreadsheet and use it for RSVPS, too!
2. Buy a nice pen that feels comfortable in your hand. For everyday use it probably doesn’t much matter what kind of pen you use, but if you’re writing over 100 thank you notes, you’ll want something comfortable.
3. Space them out – Do a few thank you notes each day, and you won’t get writer’s block or writer’s cramp and the task won’t take over your life.
4. Start early – Don’t wait until after the wedding. If you get a gift now, say thanks now.
5. Buy stamps and return address labels (not being able to mail the notes right away will just make the task seem bigger).

The notes themselves:
Struggling with what to say? Try these helpful hints.

For a cash gift: Use the phrase “generous gift” do not mention the exact amount. Let the giver know what you plan to apply the money toward.

For a boring gift: Mention the gift by name. Talk about how much you appreciate the giver’s thoughtfulness and generosity.

For an ugly gift: Same as above, feel free to use the word “unique.”

For a charitable donation: Thank the giver for their “generous donation” and let them know how appreciative you are that they helped support your cause.

If you love the gift: If you really, really love the gift feel free to gush a little. Make sure the giver knows how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness, and that you’ll think of them when you use it.

When you don’t know what the gift was: No matter how careful you are, you occasionally wind up with a stray gift card. Sometimes it’s easy to match the stray gift to the stray card, but occasionally you don’t have a stray gift, or you have more than one, and only one card. In that case, just refer to it as a “generous and thoughtful gift.”

For all notes, mention how glad you are that the person was able to celebrate with you at the wedding, or how sad you were that the person could not attend.

Keep the notes short and sweet, and you’ll be done in a flash!

Ask the Wedding Maven: Can I Disinvite a Bridesmaid?

Marta — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 09:49:43 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,
I have a sticky situation relating to my bridesmaids. I got engaged 1 year and 3 months ago, and at that time, I asked my brother's fiancée to be one of my bridesmaids, along with my sister (as the maid of honor of course) and my fiancé's sister. I wanted to keep the number kind of small, 3 is a perfect number. However, about 6 months ago, my brother and his fiancée broke up. For about a month, no one really knew if they were going to be back together or not, but it didn't look good. So, I asked my good friend who I really wanted in my wedding anyways to be my third bridesmaid. But now, my brother and his fiancée are back together. Although my family has doubts about the strength of their relationship, my brother obviously thinks she's the one and they've been dating for the past 5 months. (Though they have no solid wedding plans and we never know if they are actually engaged) Now my wedding is going to be here in 9 months and I don't know what to do! Is it rude to retract an invitation to be a bridesmaid? I would still prefer to have only the 3 bridesmaids but I don't want to start a family rift if I ask her to no longer be a part of my wedding. I'm trying to balance both sides - for example, it would probably be pretty awkward for my brother if they do break up again and his ex is in all of my wedding pictures. I could always find a fourth groomsmen if necessary, but again, would prefer not to (and fiance prefers not to as well).

Signed
One too many

Dear One,
This is one reason I recommend that people not choose their bridesmaids shortly after getting engaged. Shortly after you get engaged you’re filled with oxytocin or serotonin or whatever hormone it is that makes you love everybody. You can get carried away and ask way too many people, or the wrong people to be in your wedding. Ideally, you shouldn’t ask anyone to be in your wedding (except maybe for your Maid of Honor, who is probably a given) until you have a good sense of what your wedding will be like, and what the budget is. Eight to ten months before the wedding is still plenty of time to ask your friends, and order dresses.

That being said, you’ve already asked four women, and four women you’re going to have. Given that there’s a strong likelihood that your brother will marry this woman, or at least that she’ll be around for a while the fall out from disinviting her is way too big to risk it.

You could approach your PFSIL (possible future sister-in-law) and in a very neutral way say something like “I’m glad you and Johnny got back together, he clearly loves you. I wasn’t sure if you were still interested in being a bridesmaid?” She may decide to bow our herself, but if not, you’re stuck.

I wouldn’t invite a fourth groomsman, unless there’s someone that your fiancé wants to include. There’s really no reason why the bridal party has to be even, and there’s the chance that Johnny and your PFSIL might break up again, then you’d be stuck finding a fourth bridesmaid to re-even things out.

I also wouldn’t worry too much about your brother feeling awkward about having his ex in your wedding pictures. Your brother probably doesn’t care that much about your wedding pictures. Seriously, when is he even going to see them? Make sure to get one or two good shots of JUST the siblings with no spouses or others so that even if they do break up again, your mom has a nice shot of her kids to hang in the living room.

By the way, excellent decision to have a small bridal party! Each additional member of the bridal party can add as much as $200 to your budget.

Good luck.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding traditions, relationships or etiquette? Write weddingmaven@onewed.com for answers

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Ask the Wedding Maven: How Many Bridal Showers Do I Deserve?

Marta — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 10:04:08 -0400

Hi Wedding Maven!

I have so many friends, loved ones and 8 attendants on my side of the wedding party. Many live out of the state. My best friend/MOH and her husband want to throw me a bachelorette party, but nobody has even mentioned the idea of throwing a bridal shower or engagement party. I live in VA and my fiancée lives in WA. We got engaged back in February. The wedding is not until next June, so is it just too early for me to be concerned with this? Please let me know what you think.

Most Sincerely,
Loved but not feeling the love

Dear Loved,

Are you sure you want to know what I think?

Because I think that you’re getting a little too close to self-pitying/self-centered, drama-queen bride territory.

Here are two warning signs: You have an extended engagement to a man who lives in a different state and you have eight bridesmaids. Eight bridesmaids means a bridal party that’s expensive and unwieldy, especially since they are spread throughout the country. Unless all eight girls get along perfectly it’s an invitation to drama, hurt feelings and headaches.

The real warning sign though is that at about a year before your wedding you’re complaining that people aren’t proving their love for you by throwing enough parties in your honor.

You best friend/Matron of Honor has offered to throw you a party. That’s the party that you’re going to get. If you would prefer that you have a bridal shower or an engagement party instead of a bachelorette party, you should probably speak up now and do so politely.

Something along the lines of “Nora, thanks so much for offering to throw me a bachelorette party, but you know, I’ve always dreamed of having a more traditional bridal shower instead. Would that be ok with you?” OR “Nora, thanks so much for offering to throw a bachelorette party for me, but you know since John and I live so far apart, I think it would be great if we could have some sort of engagement party instead, that way everyone can participate. Would that be ok with you?”

Having someone throw a party for you, whether it’s an engagement party or a birthday party feels wonderful. It means that someone has gone to a lot of effort to honor you and your friendship, and that’s a special feeling. Everyone wants that feeling.

It may be that because you and your fiancé are living so far apart during a stressful time, you’re a little vulnerable and in extra need of that sort of love and attention. That’s totally normal.

What’s not normal, healthy, or acceptable is to decide that the only way you can feel those feelings is if your big group of girls throws you multiple parties. Try and remember hat you have a finacé who loves you, eight girls willing to wear a ridiculous dress on your behalf, and a best friend who wants to throw you a party.

About the Wedding Maven

If you need wedding advice or have a question about wedding etiquette, traditions, or relationships write weddingmaven@onewed.com

Ask the Wedding Maven: Should Co-Workers Be on My Wedding Guest List

Marta — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 10:07:26 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

I need your advice regarding inviting co-workers! I know most people say that unless you socialize with them outside of work, you should not invite them, but I work for a small company and have become quite close to a couple of people. If I invite just a couple, then there are several that will get extremely upset (high school behavior in 40-plus year olds!). But I also feel that if I don't invite my "friends" then they will feel slighted. I did ask a coworker what she thought, and she said it might look as if I'm fishing for gifts - which I absolutely am not. These people are just fun, crazy people to hang out with. Help, please!!

Thanks!!
Worker Bee

Dear Worker Bee,
It’s funny that you mention high school because so much of what we feel in high school doesn’t really go away.

No one wants to feel unpopular, no one wants to feel left out and no one wants to feel like they’re being used. The difference is that as we grow older we hopefully learn to take things a little less personally. We understand that not everyone can be included in every event. We hopefully also learn that being mean isn’t necessary, that other people’s feelings are as important as are own, that some thoughts are better left unsaid and that you can’t please everyone.

The best rules of thumb for this situation are those that you learned long before high school, way back in grade school with birthday parties. If you’re inviting half or more of the class, you should invite everyone. If you aren’t inviting everyone don’t distribute the invitations at school. If you aren’t inviting everyone then no birthday talk at school.

It sounds like although your co-workers are “fun, crazy people to hang out with” that you don’t actually spend time with them outside of the office. If that’s the case, then your coworker is right, getting an invitation to your wedding when you’ve never even been out for drinks may strike some people as a gift grab. But this is one of those times when you really can’t please everyone. People who want to think poorly of you will do so, no matter what you do.

Assuming that the company is larger than six people, if you really are talking about just two or three people with whom you are friends outside of work, then yes, go ahead and invite them (and your boss, really, you should).

No matter what your decision, the best way you can prevent both hurt feelings and appearing unprofessional is by making sure that your wedding is not a topic of office conversation. Don’t solicit opinions on your hair, menu, or guest list. Don’t do your planning at work, and try and deflect questions with vague answers that stress how small your wedding is.

Keep the drama, stress and worry to a minimum and others will follow suit.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding etiquette, traditions or relationships? Write weddingmaven@onewed.com

About the Wedding Maven

Ask the Wedding Maven: Should She Still Be My Bridesmaid?

Marta — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:34:07 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

I will do my best to make this long story short! My friend and I got engaged close to the same time, and we each selected all of our wedding party members, asking each other to be Maid of Honor. My friend and her fiancé set a date for three years ahead, planning a gorgeous and extravagant garden party wedding, but the date kept changing. Finally she set a date for less than three months ahead. She still wanted all of the bells and whistles of a formal wedding ceremony.

She announced her plans to all of her bridesmaids, and over the course of the next few days, two of us politely expressed the concern that three months might not be enough to plan the kind of wedding she wanted. This culminated in a bit of a spat between the three of us.

We probably should never have said anything. But here's the problem: ever since then, she has completely cut the two of us out. She did not invite either of us to the bridal shower or bachelorette party, did not respond to our queries about our bridesmaid dresses or what we could do to help, left us both out of the wedding photos, and neglected to send any invitations to our significant others. She did end up compromising on a lot of elements for her wedding, and later complained that she didn't understand why people weren't more accommodating.

It has been two years now and neither of us has heard a word from her.

So here's my question: should she still be involved in my wedding? Due to financial setbacks, I will not be getting married for another two years. If she and I still have not spoken to each other in this time, should she still be my Maid of Honor since I already asked her? And should I invite her to my bridal shower and bachelorette party since I was not invited to hers? Should I invite her to the wedding? At this point I would be surprised if she showed up to any of these things, but I'm wondering if I should send an invitation as a sign of friendship, or at least politeness. It seems foolish that a fight about a wedding date has terminated the friendship, but I'm not sure how to go about repairing it, or if trying to get her involved in my wedding would anger her in some way. Any advice you could offer would be very welcome!

Sincerely,
Wedding Drama

Dear Drama
Let’s go with the question you asked first: No, you don’t have to ask someone you haven’t spoken to in two years to be in your wedding. You also do not need to invite them to your wedding or any other wedding-related event. If you have a fight and don’t speak to someone for two years, you are officially no longer friends.

Now, let’s get to some questions you didn’t ask. This happened two years ago, so why are you still obsessing over it? I had to edit out large chunks of this letter where you spent quite a lot of time justifying your behavior, explaining why you approached her, and how kind and considerate you were in telling her your concerns. All this leads me to believe that your former friend may have a very different view of your behavior.

But, whether you were right or wrong, this was TWO YEARS AGO! Given that your own wedding isn’t for another two years (and don’t worry readers, we’ll get to that in a minute), I don’t think you’re actually that concerned with planning the details of your wedding party. My guess is that you are actually looking for affirmation that you behaved correctly.

Well, I see two possiblities. Either, your description of the events is 100% accurate, in which case your former friend is a nut job and she’s holding a grudge. It’s painful to lose a friendship, but it is time to let this one go.

The other possibility is that you aren’t being 100% honest with either me or yourself. Perhaps you were a little mean in the things you said to your former friend. Perhaps you and your other friend did in fact gang up on her. Perhaps you feel a little bad about that now. If that’s the case, then try doing something simple, apologize.

You must have some way of contacting her (email, Facebook, passing a note during algebra class). Tell her that you’ve been thinking about her a lot and want to apologize for how you behaved before her wedding. Tell her you’d love to meet for coffee and catch up. Even if she doesn’t respond, you’ll have apologized and you’ll be able to put this event where it belongs, in the past.

Finally, let’s get to that second unasked question: Your four-year long engagement. I’m assuming from a variety of things that you are still pretty young. So, I think that putting off your wedding for another two years might be a great idea. But, don’t start planning it now, especially if there’s any chance that you’ll postpone it a second time.

By all means, cut pictures out of magazines, read blogs, find ideas you like and keep a “book.” But don’t book a venue, don’t hire a caterer, and don’t choose your bridal party. One year is plenty of time for all of that. So, wait a little, see how things are looking and then dive in.

About the Wedding Maven

If you need wedding advice, or have a question about wedding etiquette, traditions or relationships, write weddingmaven@onewed.com.

Ask the Wedding Maven: Can I Get Married the Same Month as My Friend?

Marta — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 10:43:16 -0400

Hi.
I recently got engaged, about 2 weeks ago. For the past 10 years, after going to my first Christmas wedding, I have wanted to have a Christmas wedding. My fiance and I both love Christmas, and think it is such a special and joyous time of year that we felt it is a perfect time for us to get married.

I have already been in 2 weddings this year, and my fiancé one, plus we have had tons of wedding showers, 2 of our other close friends have gotten engaged, etc… so there has been a lot going on. My fiancé was originally planning on proposing earlier this year, but a shower, another friend’s engagement or wedding, has always come up, and he wanted to wait, and not steal away from anyone else’s time.

We tried to plan a wedding for this Christmas, but we were not able to get either of our churches, or our top two reception sites. We also have a large guest list and our parents thought it would be better for us to wait until next year.

One of my best friends is getting married on New Years Eve 2010/2011. I am a bridesmaid in her wedding, and she is in mine. Originally, when I mentioned having my wedding in December of 2011, my friend freaked out and said no. She said that she wants the whole month of December to be about her and her wedding.

Later, I heard from our mutual friends how she felt bad about that, and so I assumed that she was okay with it. But, again, after talking with her, she does not want us to get married next December. She feels that I am not considering her feelings by doing this.

My groom and I tried to think of other dates, like April or May, but he is in a wedding April 30th and May 14, so we felt like that would be too much, and we don’t want the traditional summer wedding, or to get married during football season. And actually talking about a December wedding made me get really excited! Having a Christmas wedding is my dream wedding, and a lot of friends have told me that since you only get married once, that you need to do what you want, and not try to please everyone.

We originally wanted December 17th, but because of my friend’s wedding agreed on December 3rd or 10th, depending on what is available, which would still be 3 to 4 weeks ahead of her wedding. I told her that she could pick all of her shower dates, parties, bachelorette parties, etc… first, and I will plan mine around that. I don’t care about that stuff, but that having a Christmas wedding is so important to me.

She still doesn’t understand, and I feel like I’m trying to be so understanding and compromising to her, but that she isn’t taking my feelings into consideration. Am I wrong? Thanks!

Signed
Christmas Bride

Dear Christmas Bride,

Your friend may very well want all of December 2011 to be about her, but she’s going to have to share it. There are several important holidays that month, and I for one will also be having my birthday then (the 19th if you'd like to send me a card).

Getting married does not entitle you to own a season, a month, or frankly, even a day. Although your wedding is the most important thing in your life, it is not the most important thing in anyone else’s. If more brides realized this simple truth, I’d be out of a job.

I think you and your fiance have tried to be a little too accommodating, and have in a way played into the whole “it’s my day, everyone has to do what I say” mentality. While it would certainly be rude to show up at someone else’s shower or wedding and announce your engagement, it isn’t rude to get engaged the same week or month as someone else!

In your original letter you said that you are 26. You’re at a time of your life when lots and lots of people will be getting engaged, getting married, and having babies. Obviously, some of those events are going to overlap.

Stop asking people’s permission, and set the wedding date that you want. Then, take your friend out to lunch or dinner, explain to her that you know she won’t be happy about this, but your wedding date is set. Let her know that you still stand by your offer to let her pick shower and other party dates first.

You need to be prepared for the possibility that this will in fact end your friendship. There are two types of people who insist on “my day”or “my month.”

One type tends to be insecure. They look forward to their weddings as a way of finally getting proof that other people love them and admire them. That’s why it’s so hard to please these people. You have to have faith in yourself before you can believe that others love you and admire you. Even if you’d given her the entire month of December, she may then have complained that your wedding in November stole some of her ideas.

If your friend is this type, then in her mind by not giving in to her demands, you’re proving that you don’t love her, and the friendship is over. This will be hard on you at first, but better in the long run. This way, you won’t have fights over stealing her baby’s name.

The second type of person is a fairly normal person who just gets a little caught up in the wedding hype. People are telling her just what your friends are telling you that it’s your day and you should do what you want, she’s just taking it all a little more seriously.

If this is who she is, then she’ll get over it eventually and you can both go back to being friends. I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology though, the sense of entitlement tends to linger for a while.

About the Wedding Maven

If you need wedding advice, or have a question about wedding traditions, etiquette or relationships write weddingmaven@onewed.com.

Ask the Experts: How Much Should I Spend on a Wedding Gift?

Marta — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 16:50:54 -0400

Dear Ask the Experts,
What's the rule of thumb one should use for cost when purchasing a wedding gift? I just heard that it's the cost of two plates at the reception. But how does one know what the cost of two plates is? Especially if one is completely ignorant on the costs of such things?

Signed,
Frequent Wedding Guest

Arianna of Iris Fields says:
You are not alone when being totally confused by how much to give! Unfortunately, it is a bit complicated. It is based on location (city), relationship to the wedding couple, if you are attending the wedding or not and if you are going alone or not. But since you asked for it: I would use the $125 number if you ARE attending alone and go from there. However, if you truly cannot afford that much then go for something off of the couple's registry because that is better than giving a random gift to hide the cost:)

Dawn of Traditionally Modern says:
You must be a terrific friend to be invited to so many events. I truly believe that there is no "rule of thumb" to giving. You should give what you can, but don't be cheap! Choose something that you would like the couple to have as well as something you would like to receive. As far as making your purchase the same cost as two plates at the wedding, I feel like that is a bit off. The reception part of the wedding is a "thank you" to the guests for coming and you should not know the cost of a gift!

Arti of Zoya Couture says:
Yes, common wedding etiquette calls for each guest gifting the cost their dinner plate. To gage the cost, use the couple's wedding invitation, as it is usually reflective of the event to be held. DIY likely means a more casual, less costly event and a boxed, embellished invitation means something much more elaborate. As a general guideline, when attending the wedding of a couple you don't know well plan to spend between $50-150 per attendee that you RSVP for.

Jeff of Blackbird Images says:
I may be taking a different approach, but your gift should be based on what you can afford and not on some general, one-size-fits-all rule of thumb. The couple that invited you certainly has a sense of what you can afford. For some people, that may be $20. For others that may be a gift costing thousands. Bottom line: Your gift should be something you want to give, feel good about giving… and won’t regret or resent later. The best present you can give is your presence at the wedding; a tangible gift is just icing on the cake.

Rebecca of The Studio B Photography says:
If you're going to a wedding with a date, then yes, the cost of two plates is an acceptable measure for the gift for the couple. However, reception venues vary drastically and the cost of of your meal can be hard to pin down. Therefore, it's best to stick with a standard number that you can give no matter where the wedding is. If you give between $75-$100 per guest, you should be in great shape!

You can get gifts that add up off the couple's registry that add up to that amount, but money is also always a welcome gift. In fact, in some cultures, money is the traditional gift, as it is seen as way for guests to contribute to the newlywed's nest egg and send them on their way to a great future.

Brandi of All Events Planned says:
That “rule” was created by someone without any understanding of actual etiquette. First, you should never be informed of the cost of your meal at a wedding, that is a tacky tactic used by brides that are only interested in making their wedding a “for-profit” event. Your gift should reflect what you can afford/what works within your budget. No one wants to go into debt purchasing a friend or associate a wedding gift. If you are working from a registry and there isn’t anything in your price range, you can always find other guests and see if they are interested in all contributing to a larger gift from the group, as opposed to the individual. While a bride & groom should never request a cash gift, it is something that everyone enjoys receiving. If you decide to go that route because you aren’t able to find something on the registry, then the average amount ranges from $20-$50, again depending on your budget and depending on your relationship with the bride and groom. If you are a frequent wedding guest to friends and associates, budget accordingly but for your close family or best friend, you could consider spending more.

Marta, OneWed’s Wedding Maven says:
I believe that a wedding gift is a token of affection, and an acknowledgment that the bride and groom are moving on to a new phase of life. It is NOT intended to repay the bride and groom for the cost of the wedding, it is NOT intended to furnish their new life and it is NOT a measure of the relationship. The fact that there are so many different opinions from these experienced wedding professionals just goes to show you that there's no "right" answer here. If your guests behave differently than you expect, please try to keep in mind that they aren't being rude and it isn't a reflection of how they feel about you, they're just operating from a different playbook.

About Our Experts:
Brandi Hamerstone is the owner & senior wedding planner for All Events Planned. In her nine years of experience in the wedding industry, she has planned over 300 weddings.

Jeff Haden is President of BlackBird Images, wedding photographers based in Harrisonburg, VA. Not only is he a well-respected and talented photographer, but has also gained recognition as a ghostwriter.

Rebecca is the owner of The Studio B Photography in the Atlanta, Georgia area. As a recent bride herself, Rebecca is able to better understand what her clients need and enjoys providing them with images that capture the joy of their wedding day.

Arti Anand works with ZOYA Couture, a boutique design and print studio in Washington, D.C. that creates wedding invitations and marketing collateral. The company incorporates work of numerous in-house and freelance designers, offering clients fresh new designs, layouts, and materials.

Ariana Gordon Stecker is the co-founder and Lead Planner for Iris Fields, Inc. She is a seasoned New York City event professional who has been featured on MTV, Fox News, and the New York Times.

Dawn Cowart is the lead event planner for Traditionally Modern Wedding and Event Planners in Atlanta, Georgia. With a sophisticated flare for the dramatic, Dawn can create a wedding tailored to the couple.

If you have a question for the panel write asktheexperts@onewed.com.

Ask the Wedding Maven: Daughter of the Groom Dilemma

Marta — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 17:04:34 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

My father is getting married this summer to a women with whom I get along (she's much better then other women he's had in his life). Without anyone asking me, I was told I was going to be a bridesmaid, which is fine, but I'm also 20 and have never been in a wedding before (meaning I don't really know how things are supposed to go). Despite the fact that they are both over 40 (my dad is 55) and now entering their second marriages, my dad and soon to be stepmother, have chosen to have a very traditional marriage ceremony. Big party, big dress, big everything. This weekend is the big bridal shower. My dad expects me to contribute $155 to this party.

Something to keep in mind -- My soon to be stepsister (who is also a bridesmaid) lives at home with my dad and soon to be stepmom. She has contributed heavily to the ceremony, planning and organizing. She also doesn't have a father, so I am sure this is a very exciting time for her. I however (along with my real sister) have a great relationship with my mother.

I don't want to seem like I don't care about their marriage, but I just don't think ethically I should have to fork over $155 for this woman. In addition, I will also have to get them a gift. Should I be spending over $300 on a marriage I am not in anyway invested in? I don't live at home any longer and rarely visit.

What should I do?

Baffled in Boston

Dear Baffled,
The way things normally go is that brides ask women to do them the honor of being a bridesmaid. It is not usually a job assigned to you by your father, or anyone else. It’s also not generally seen as a job for someone who isn’t invested at least a little bit in the happiness of the people involved. In terms of bridal showers, usually the bridesmaids get together and discuss what sort or bridal shower the bride wants and decide together what they can each afford to contribute.

You’re absolutely right that it’s bizarre and rude for anyone to inform you that you need to pony up $155 to throw him or his fiancée a party, let alone for that person to be your father.

That being said, I get the feeling that there’s a lot that’s not being said here. You say you get along with your stepmother, but you also damn her with faint praise (she’s better than the others) and make it pretty clear that you don’t want much to do with either your father or “this woman,” as you call her.

Your father is joining a new family, one with a built in daughter (possibly around your age) who actually lives with him and wants to be helpful. You have a great relationship with your mom, and now you’re watching her (and possibly yourself) be replaced. You’re clearly trying to be positive, but it’s natural and normal that you would feel conflicted and less-than-happy about the wedding.

I wonder if it’s possible that with your mixed-emotions some communication has also gotten mixed and confused.

Is it possible, for example, that your future stepmother did try to ask you to be a bridesmaid, but when you didn’t respond, your father just informed you of your role? Is it possible that because you didn’t want to discuss plans you just said something like, “Whatever, just tell me what I need to do.” Which was then interpreted as you being willing to go along with whatever you were assigned (including forking over cash)?

I can tell you what is “usually done” and what I think is acceptable, but I’m not your dad. Like it or not, visit often or not, this is your dad. What’s more, “this woman” and her daughter are now part of your family. Because you don’t mention not being able to afford the $155, I’m going to assume that your problem with this runs deeper than just being asked to write a check. If that’s the case then neither writing nor not writing the check is going to solve the problem.

Difficult as it may be, you're actually going to have to sit down and talk to your dad about your feelings about him, his new family, the way he treats you, and his wedding. You'll also have to listen to how he feels about your behavior and your relationship. Hopefully, once the two of you have had this conversation your decision about the $155 should be clearer.

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Ask the Experts: Do the Parents of the Bride Still Pay for the Wedding?

Marta — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 10:29:56 -0400

Dear Panel,
My sister and I both got engaged this year.

My parents are happy for both of us, but feel very guilty and even ashamed that their financial situation doesn't allow them to pitch in to help fund our ceremonies or receptions. In their view, it is the bride's side of the family that pays for the wedding. I know that isn't the case these days, but it is ingrained in them so much that they just feel bad about not having more to give.

Is there anything I can say to help them feel better? Are there any statistics on weddings that show a downward trend in brides' families paying for the event? Any ancient ceremonies I can point to where the bride and groom must prove that they can fend for themselves? Any personal experiences with this? It is painful to hear my mom cry about something that I can't help, and I'd really like her to be able to focus on the happiness of the events rather than her perceived shortcomings.
Thanks,

Brandi from All Events Planned says:
It’s wonderful that your parents want to help you. The fact that they are not able to, doesn’t change their importance to you or to your wedding day. If you could you let your mother know that, it might help her feel better. Also, you should let her know that her disappointment and sadness are making it hard for you to enjoy the process. Tell your parents that you want them involved in all the details and the planning and having their time and support will matter more to you than their money.

After 10 years of planning weddings, I have ended up only having a handful of weddings paid for by the parents. The reason why parents, typically, pay for the wedding is so the event can be used as a social event for them as well. Paying for the event allows the parents to invite all of their friends and family (and work associates) to the wedding day. These days, weddings are no longer a time for the parents to show off their children, it is more just a celebration of the love between the two people. The love between you and your fiancé is what you want to celebrate, not how many people you can squeeze into a ballroom.

You can’t change their disappointment but you can include them, so that they can enjoy what you are doing. If they really aren’t able to enjoy the process because they are too devastated by their financial situation, then they will then be missing out on your event, for reasons that can’t even be changed.

Jeff from Blackbird Images says:
First I think it’s awesome that you empathize with your parents; lots of couples seem to feel entitled to a “dream” wedding regardless of their parents’ (or their own) financial abilities.

I’m not sure there is anything you can say that will completely change how they feel. Parents want to make their kids happy. Parents want to provide for their kids. It’s what we do. It’s what we care about most. So the thought that they can’t do something for you they would love to do is both heartbreaking and understandable. What you can do is say, “Mom, I’ve never wanted an expensive wedding. I just want my family and friends around me as I celebrate my marriage. You and dad made me the person I am today; I could never ask for anything more from you. My only dream is to have a wonderful day and see that everyone is happy for us – as long as that happens, that’s all I need.”

Not perfect – but if you say something along those lines with sincerity, and never give your parents reason to feel you’re upset they didn’t contribute more… it will all work out. Families are forever, and time will smooth things over.

OneWed’s Wedding Maven says:
Here’s the statistic that you’re looking for, according to Get Married Media, 92% of today’s couples pay for some portion of their weddings themselves.

Is there any part of your wedding that your mother can take charge of? For example, is there a DIY project she could do, or is there other planning help she can give? Giving her a job may help make her feel more like she’s contributing to the wedding.

However, you and your sister should also keep a close eye on your mom’s behavior. If the crying over things is normal behavior for your mom (let's face it, for some moms turning on the waterworks it the go to method for getting what they want), then at some point you may want to try and talk to her and explain that it’s preventing you from enjoying your engagement and she needs to knock it off.

But, if this is new or unusual behavior then you should take it seriously. If your parents are having financial problems, then her crying may have less to do with your weddings, and more with general feelings of depression. She’s struggling financially, and her two daughters are exhibiting their independence at the same time. This is a difficult time for her and it’s likely that she’s becoming depressed. If you have any concerns for her safety or health, you should act on them immediately.

About our Experts
Brandi Hamerstone is the owner & senior wedding planner for All Events Planned. In her ten years of experience in the wedding industry, she has planned over 300 weddings.

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