The Wedding Party | OneWed

Ask the Wedding Maven: Can I Disinvite a Bridesmaid?

Marta — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 09:49:43 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,
I have a sticky situation relating to my bridesmaids. I got engaged 1 year and 3 months ago, and at that time, I asked my brother's fiancée to be one of my bridesmaids, along with my sister (as the maid of honor of course) and my fiancé's sister. I wanted to keep the number kind of small, 3 is a perfect number. However, about 6 months ago, my brother and his fiancée broke up. For about a month, no one really knew if they were going to be back together or not, but it didn't look good. So, I asked my good friend who I really wanted in my wedding anyways to be my third bridesmaid. But now, my brother and his fiancée are back together. Although my family has doubts about the strength of their relationship, my brother obviously thinks she's the one and they've been dating for the past 5 months. (Though they have no solid wedding plans and we never know if they are actually engaged) Now my wedding is going to be here in 9 months and I don't know what to do! Is it rude to retract an invitation to be a bridesmaid? I would still prefer to have only the 3 bridesmaids but I don't want to start a family rift if I ask her to no longer be a part of my wedding. I'm trying to balance both sides - for example, it would probably be pretty awkward for my brother if they do break up again and his ex is in all of my wedding pictures. I could always find a fourth groomsmen if necessary, but again, would prefer not to (and fiance prefers not to as well).

Signed
One too many

Dear One,
This is one reason I recommend that people not choose their bridesmaids shortly after getting engaged. Shortly after you get engaged you’re filled with oxytocin or serotonin or whatever hormone it is that makes you love everybody. You can get carried away and ask way too many people, or the wrong people to be in your wedding. Ideally, you shouldn’t ask anyone to be in your wedding (except maybe for your Maid of Honor, who is probably a given) until you have a good sense of what your wedding will be like, and what the budget is. Eight to ten months before the wedding is still plenty of time to ask your friends, and order dresses.

That being said, you’ve already asked four women, and four women you’re going to have. Given that there’s a strong likelihood that your brother will marry this woman, or at least that she’ll be around for a while the fall out from disinviting her is way too big to risk it.

You could approach your PFSIL (possible future sister-in-law) and in a very neutral way say something like “I’m glad you and Johnny got back together, he clearly loves you. I wasn’t sure if you were still interested in being a bridesmaid?” She may decide to bow our herself, but if not, you’re stuck.

I wouldn’t invite a fourth groomsman, unless there’s someone that your fiancé wants to include. There’s really no reason why the bridal party has to be even, and there’s the chance that Johnny and your PFSIL might break up again, then you’d be stuck finding a fourth bridesmaid to re-even things out.

I also wouldn’t worry too much about your brother feeling awkward about having his ex in your wedding pictures. Your brother probably doesn’t care that much about your wedding pictures. Seriously, when is he even going to see them? Make sure to get one or two good shots of JUST the siblings with no spouses or others so that even if they do break up again, your mom has a nice shot of her kids to hang in the living room.

By the way, excellent decision to have a small bridal party! Each additional member of the bridal party can add as much as $200 to your budget.

Good luck.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding traditions, relationships or etiquette? Write weddingmaven@onewed.com for answers

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Ask the Wedding Maven: My Mom is Crazy and Controlling

Marta — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 21:54:36 -0400

Dear Maven,
I'm going nuts, because my mom is trying to take over my entire wedding, She decided she wants assigned seats for her list, none of my friends are going to have assigned seats or the groom’s family, but her guests are going to have assigned seats. I think it’s the dumbest idea ever yet my mom won't back down.

She needs to realize that this is MY wedding not hers, and I’m beyond pissed with her, because no one is even going to take the seating seriously. I know for a fact that people will switch seats and move around because it’s a dumb idea. Next situation, I bought gorgeous shoes that I LOVE, that I paid for myself, and they were $80, which is expensive but I don't think horrible, and they are about 3 inches but not that uncomfortable. My mom wants me to take them back, and get $20 shoes that she likes. The problem is finding shoes has been impossible I couldn't find anything comfortable I liked, and I finally found these that I love, and I’m not taking them back, so my mom is freaking out about that.

Next my mom wants the wedding party to detour back to her house in O’Fallon to freshen up and eat sandwiches and I had to flip out on her just to get that idea out of her head, we don't have time and we don't want to go and waste three hours of our wedding day hanging out at the house, we have a damn party bus for a reason.

Not just that, she has clearly told me it’s "her day", the wedding isn't all about me, and that I’m dramatic and a bridezilla,

My mom is paying for the reception and my dress, that’s IT, oh and she paid for some of the flowers.She thinks that everything should be her way, she even wants to go over the play list to make sure it’s appropriate. Well it’s not her decision. I've just had it with that woman. I really want no help from her anymore. Oh yeah I forgot to add; she is making my veil for $7 because she doesn’t want to spend $50 on the veil I want. She went out and bought my bridesmaids their gifts months ago with out even asking me, and now I "owe" her for them. I'm sick and tired 100% and I’ve just had it. I need advice, because I can't take it anymore. She is stressing me out, and pissing me off, and I can't even be excited about my own wedding … please help!
Signed
Stressed Daughter

Dear Stressed,
You say that your mom needs to realize that this is your wedding, not hers. There’s one, very easy way to do that – pay for the wedding yourself.

Your mom sounds a little kooky and controlling, but you really aren’t helping the situation by acting like a spoiled teenager “flipping out” on her because she invited you and your friends over for sandwiches and complaining about her making you a veil instead of buying you one. If you want the $50 veil, then buy it, and maybe buy your own dress while you’re at it.

It would be nice if your mother offered to pay for things without strings attached, but that isn’t who she is, and my guess is that since she’s your mom, you already know that. Instead, you two are repeating a pattern you’ve probably had for years. She pays for things, and tries to control things. In return, you lash out and act like a brat, further convincing her that you aren’t mature enough to handle things on your own and she needs to be in control. The bottom line is if she’s paying for things, these decisions are in fact hers to make.

Now that you’re getting married, why don’t you try and start a new phase in your relationship with your mother as well. Take a deep breath and make a decision.
Which is more important to you, having things how you want them, or having your mom pay for the wedding.

If you want to have your mom pay for the wedding, that doesn’t mean you have to give up complete control, but you do have to accept that she has strong opinions, and a right to voice them and in some cases, enforce them. Instead of yelling at her about the seating assignments, ask her what her concern is (and by the way, I think everyone should have assigned tables for dinner, it’s much easier and kinder to the guests). Instead of fighting over your shoes, let her know that you appreciate her making your veil. Let her see the playlist, and if she has objections, listen to them, and then decide whether or not to pass them on to the band.

If you want to gain complete control over your wedding, then nicely let your mom know that you appreciate all she’s done for you, but that you realize having her pay for the wedding isn’t really the grown up thing to do. Write her a check for the money she’s already spent. She’s still your mother, so you do need to talk to her and listen to her, but if she isn’t paying for the wedding she’ll have much less ground to stand on when trying to enforce her views.

Remember, your life isn’t a movie, so this wedding is not the end of the story. Your mom is part of your life and changing the way that the two of you interact will have a long lasting impact.

About the Wedding Maven

If you need wedding advice or have a question about wedding traditions, etiquette or relationships write weddingmaven@onewed.com

Ask the Wedding Maven: Should She Still Be My Bridesmaid?

Marta — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:34:07 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

I will do my best to make this long story short! My friend and I got engaged close to the same time, and we each selected all of our wedding party members, asking each other to be Maid of Honor. My friend and her fiancé set a date for three years ahead, planning a gorgeous and extravagant garden party wedding, but the date kept changing. Finally she set a date for less than three months ahead. She still wanted all of the bells and whistles of a formal wedding ceremony.

She announced her plans to all of her bridesmaids, and over the course of the next few days, two of us politely expressed the concern that three months might not be enough to plan the kind of wedding she wanted. This culminated in a bit of a spat between the three of us.

We probably should never have said anything. But here's the problem: ever since then, she has completely cut the two of us out. She did not invite either of us to the bridal shower or bachelorette party, did not respond to our queries about our bridesmaid dresses or what we could do to help, left us both out of the wedding photos, and neglected to send any invitations to our significant others. She did end up compromising on a lot of elements for her wedding, and later complained that she didn't understand why people weren't more accommodating.

It has been two years now and neither of us has heard a word from her.

So here's my question: should she still be involved in my wedding? Due to financial setbacks, I will not be getting married for another two years. If she and I still have not spoken to each other in this time, should she still be my Maid of Honor since I already asked her? And should I invite her to my bridal shower and bachelorette party since I was not invited to hers? Should I invite her to the wedding? At this point I would be surprised if she showed up to any of these things, but I'm wondering if I should send an invitation as a sign of friendship, or at least politeness. It seems foolish that a fight about a wedding date has terminated the friendship, but I'm not sure how to go about repairing it, or if trying to get her involved in my wedding would anger her in some way. Any advice you could offer would be very welcome!

Sincerely,
Wedding Drama

Dear Drama
Let’s go with the question you asked first: No, you don’t have to ask someone you haven’t spoken to in two years to be in your wedding. You also do not need to invite them to your wedding or any other wedding-related event. If you have a fight and don’t speak to someone for two years, you are officially no longer friends.

Now, let’s get to some questions you didn’t ask. This happened two years ago, so why are you still obsessing over it? I had to edit out large chunks of this letter where you spent quite a lot of time justifying your behavior, explaining why you approached her, and how kind and considerate you were in telling her your concerns. All this leads me to believe that your former friend may have a very different view of your behavior.

But, whether you were right or wrong, this was TWO YEARS AGO! Given that your own wedding isn’t for another two years (and don’t worry readers, we’ll get to that in a minute), I don’t think you’re actually that concerned with planning the details of your wedding party. My guess is that you are actually looking for affirmation that you behaved correctly.

Well, I see two possiblities. Either, your description of the events is 100% accurate, in which case your former friend is a nut job and she’s holding a grudge. It’s painful to lose a friendship, but it is time to let this one go.

The other possibility is that you aren’t being 100% honest with either me or yourself. Perhaps you were a little mean in the things you said to your former friend. Perhaps you and your other friend did in fact gang up on her. Perhaps you feel a little bad about that now. If that’s the case, then try doing something simple, apologize.

You must have some way of contacting her (email, Facebook, passing a note during algebra class). Tell her that you’ve been thinking about her a lot and want to apologize for how you behaved before her wedding. Tell her you’d love to meet for coffee and catch up. Even if she doesn’t respond, you’ll have apologized and you’ll be able to put this event where it belongs, in the past.

Finally, let’s get to that second unasked question: Your four-year long engagement. I’m assuming from a variety of things that you are still pretty young. So, I think that putting off your wedding for another two years might be a great idea. But, don’t start planning it now, especially if there’s any chance that you’ll postpone it a second time.

By all means, cut pictures out of magazines, read blogs, find ideas you like and keep a “book.” But don’t book a venue, don’t hire a caterer, and don’t choose your bridal party. One year is plenty of time for all of that. So, wait a little, see how things are looking and then dive in.

About the Wedding Maven

If you need wedding advice, or have a question about wedding etiquette, traditions or relationships, write weddingmaven@onewed.com.

Ask the Wedding Maven: Daughter of the Groom Dilemma

Marta — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 17:04:34 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

My father is getting married this summer to a women with whom I get along (she's much better then other women he's had in his life). Without anyone asking me, I was told I was going to be a bridesmaid, which is fine, but I'm also 20 and have never been in a wedding before (meaning I don't really know how things are supposed to go). Despite the fact that they are both over 40 (my dad is 55) and now entering their second marriages, my dad and soon to be stepmother, have chosen to have a very traditional marriage ceremony. Big party, big dress, big everything. This weekend is the big bridal shower. My dad expects me to contribute $155 to this party.

Something to keep in mind -- My soon to be stepsister (who is also a bridesmaid) lives at home with my dad and soon to be stepmom. She has contributed heavily to the ceremony, planning and organizing. She also doesn't have a father, so I am sure this is a very exciting time for her. I however (along with my real sister) have a great relationship with my mother.

I don't want to seem like I don't care about their marriage, but I just don't think ethically I should have to fork over $155 for this woman. In addition, I will also have to get them a gift. Should I be spending over $300 on a marriage I am not in anyway invested in? I don't live at home any longer and rarely visit.

What should I do?

Baffled in Boston

Dear Baffled,
The way things normally go is that brides ask women to do them the honor of being a bridesmaid. It is not usually a job assigned to you by your father, or anyone else. It’s also not generally seen as a job for someone who isn’t invested at least a little bit in the happiness of the people involved. In terms of bridal showers, usually the bridesmaids get together and discuss what sort or bridal shower the bride wants and decide together what they can each afford to contribute.

You’re absolutely right that it’s bizarre and rude for anyone to inform you that you need to pony up $155 to throw him or his fiancée a party, let alone for that person to be your father.

That being said, I get the feeling that there’s a lot that’s not being said here. You say you get along with your stepmother, but you also damn her with faint praise (she’s better than the others) and make it pretty clear that you don’t want much to do with either your father or “this woman,” as you call her.

Your father is joining a new family, one with a built in daughter (possibly around your age) who actually lives with him and wants to be helpful. You have a great relationship with your mom, and now you’re watching her (and possibly yourself) be replaced. You’re clearly trying to be positive, but it’s natural and normal that you would feel conflicted and less-than-happy about the wedding.

I wonder if it’s possible that with your mixed-emotions some communication has also gotten mixed and confused.

Is it possible, for example, that your future stepmother did try to ask you to be a bridesmaid, but when you didn’t respond, your father just informed you of your role? Is it possible that because you didn’t want to discuss plans you just said something like, “Whatever, just tell me what I need to do.” Which was then interpreted as you being willing to go along with whatever you were assigned (including forking over cash)?

I can tell you what is “usually done” and what I think is acceptable, but I’m not your dad. Like it or not, visit often or not, this is your dad. What’s more, “this woman” and her daughter are now part of your family. Because you don’t mention not being able to afford the $155, I’m going to assume that your problem with this runs deeper than just being asked to write a check. If that’s the case then neither writing nor not writing the check is going to solve the problem.

Difficult as it may be, you're actually going to have to sit down and talk to your dad about your feelings about him, his new family, the way he treats you, and his wedding. You'll also have to listen to how he feels about your behavior and your relationship. Hopefully, once the two of you have had this conversation your decision about the $155 should be clearer.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding traditions, etiquette or manners? Write weddingmaven@onewed.com

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Ask the Wedding Maven: Should I Be Maid of Honor for a Cheating Bride?

Marta — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:12:29 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,
I'm in a dilemma. My best friend is getting married in a matter of
weeks and I am her maid of honor. My issue is that she has been
cheating on her fiancé for months now. I feel stuck in the middle.
I've never warmed to her fiancé not does he treat her right, hence the
fact she's went elsewhere. I've made my feelings clear that it should
be one man or the other but she isn't listening. Should I still be her
maid of honor? How can I stand up bedside her at the altar, before
God and looking them both in the eye as they say their vows? I feel
it's either loose her by stepping down as maid of honor or be untrue
to myself and to my beliefs.

Thank you for Reading this,and I would appreciate your opinion on this.

Confused MOH

Dear Confused,
You say that you’ve tried to make your feelings clear, but has your best friend made her feelings clear?

I agree with you that her behavior is pretty bad, but she’s not my best friend. If she were my best friend, I’d worry a little less about my own moral dilemma, and a little more about what’s going on with her. Especially if this sort of behavior is out of character for her.

You aren't "stuck in the middle" because in reality this situation has very little to do with you. Why not start by asking your friend some questions.

Why is she getting married? Why is she cheating on her fiancé? Why does she put up with a fiancé that doesn’t treat her right? What does she see as the ideal outcome to all of this? Is she going through with the wedding because she’s too embarrassed to cancel it? Does she love her fiancé, but she’s cheating because she’s scared?

Is she marrying this man because he’s wealthy and will support her, but really she’s still attracted to a poor dreamer that she plans on meeting on the cheating side of town? Oh wait, that’s the plot to the Eagles’ song “Lyin’ Eyes.” Sorry, I digress.

If your friend does decide to go through with the wedding, you will need to make a decision about whether or not to stand up with her. But, I think that if you actually try and engage your friend in a conversation about what’s going on, instead of trying to tell her what to do, you may be able to be true to yourself, save the friendship, and help your friend.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding traditions, relationships, or wedding etiquette? Write the Wedding Maven at weddingmaven@onewed.com

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Ask the Experts: A Mother of the Groom Dress Dilemma

Marta — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 17:36:55 -0400

Ask the Experts is your chance to get your wedding questions answered by a panel of wedding professionals. If you have a question, write the panel at asktheexperts@onewed.com

This week a bride writes:
I'm having a Destination wedding in Florida in the height of the summer. We had decided on an outdoor semi-formal (but more casual) wedding. My soon-to-be mother in law asked me what she should be wearing, and I explained to her that it was going to be very hot, that it was on grass and that my maid of honor and mother were both wearing to the knee light dresses. She seemed to get it, but when she showed me her dress a few days later, she had spent a few hundred dollars on a floor-length, dark navy blue dress, embellished with rhinestones. So, not only is she going to die of heat-stroke, she is now outshining my maid of honor, and is going to look entirely out of place at my early afternoon summer wedding.

I really don't know what to do. If I should say something... What could I possibly say?

Our experts were clearly divided on their answers:

IN FAVOR OF Saying Something:

Arianna of Iris Fields says:
Say something. I can tell you from professional and personal experience that it is better to have things out in the open or else you will not only be upset the day of but every time you look at your pictures. Make sure you have the support of your soon to be spouse (a must) and say it to her like this in person and be sweet as sugar:) "I am sure your dress is beautiful but the wedding in its entirety is a vision that I want to flow throughout and I feel that your dress being so formal will be really out of place. So, with that said can I show you pics of my dress, my maid of honor and bridesmaids' to give you a better idea of what I am looking for? I am also happy to pay you back for the dress you already purchased if we cannot return it. This is really hard for me to say and I gave a lot of thought before saying something so please understand how important this is to me."

Arti of Zoya Couture says:
Yes, you should say something - both for aesthetics of the wedding, and for her own comfort. Aside from the potential heat stroke, I'm sure that she wouldn't want to look like the odd one out! Try organizing an accessories or shoe shopping day out with your mother in law, mother, and bridesmaid where they each bring their dresses along. By seeing the other dresses in person, she may get a stronger hint. Or, consider having a heart to heart with her, explaining how much it would mean to you if she wore a knee-length, light summer dress.

AGAINST Saying Something:

Jeff of Blackbird Images says:
My first impulse is to say let it go; you’re in a no-win situation and it’s hard to tell guests what to wear. If you feel you must, try, “I’ve been thinking… I love your dress, but it’s going to be really hot and I’m worried about you… and everyone else has agreed to stick to light dresses…” and see how she responds. If she immediately says, “Oh, I’ll be okay…” then let it go. If she is open to discussing, great – just tread lightly. In the end while she might outshine others, at the same time those others will be dressed similarly and will know why… and bottom line it’s not a competition.

But if you’re at all in doubt, don’t say anything. Saying nothing is least likely to cause a problem; saying something could.

Rebecca of Studio B Photography says:
This is one of those instances where it is probably best to hold your tongue. Although she will be dressed in a decidedly different style than your mother and your MOH, she will definitely NOT outshine them. Lots of times older women feel uncomfortable showing too much skin, whether it be their legs in a shorter dress, or their arms in a sleeveless dress. Unfortunately their solution is often to find the most monstrous creation you've ever seen and choose to wear it proudly on your wedding day.

Let her wear what she feels comfortable in. The dress she's selected will undoubtedly make her very warm, so have someone make sure that she has plenty of fluids throughout the day so she doesn't get overheated.

Rest assured, this is normal, so let it slide off your back and worry about other aspects of the wedding that are a bit more under your control.

Larissa of Weddings of Costa Rica says:
Let it go. A wedding is like a mine-field fraught with emotional bombs. Remember that this is a major rite of passage for a mother of the groom, he is officially leaving 'her' to have another woman as the center of his universe.

You let her know ahead of time what the location was, the type of event it was going to be and what the rest of the party would be wearing, and she chose her dress. Going back to her now and asking her to change it is only going to stir things up. She's a grown up and made her choice. If she wants to sweat it out in a full-length dark dress, let her. She is not going to out-shine anyone so don't worry.

Remember that MOGs tend to take a 'back seat' to the bride's mother and there isn't much of a role for her so let her have her moment to wear her special dress.

Weddings, like marriage, are all about finding a balance and knowing when to push for something and when to give. In the grand scheme of things, who really cares what the MOG is wearing? If it makes her happy, let it be. Better to have a happy MIL than one who feels you're trying to control everything.

OneWed's Wedding Maven is solidly in the middle:
I think the answer depends on your real motivations. If you are really concerned that your future MIL will be physically uncomfortable, then you should say something like this "Becky, I've been thinking about your dress. I really love it, but I am a little worried that you're going to be way too hot in it during the wedding. Are you sure you'll be ok wearing it in the sun?"

If, however, this is more about aesthetics and control then you really need to let it go. You chose your dress and your bridesmaids' dresses, what everyone else wears is up to them. I'm not suggesting you just avoid saying anything, I'm suggesting that you actually realize and accept that you can't control what your mother in law wears, and that it's nothing for you to be upset about.

Something to think about, you said that you gave her all the information about the location and what others were wearing before she bought her dress. Is it possible that you and your future mother in law have a communication issue? It may be that what you think you said and what she thinks you said are totally different things. Try and pay some attention to how the two of you are communicating, and give some thought to whether or not there's a better way for you to get your message across in the future.

Fixing a communication problem now will save you hours of pain once you have children!

About our experts:
Arti Anand works with ZOYA Couture, a boutique design and print studio in Washington, D.C. that creates wedding invitations and marketing collateral. The company incorporates work of numerous in-house and freelance designers, offering clients fresh new designs, layouts, and materials.

Larissa Banting of Weddings Costa Rica has planned over 300 weddings in this beautiful tropical Paradise. She is also the force behind Lazy Bride, the blog for the energetically-challenged bride.

Jeff Haden is President of BlackBird Images, wedding photographers based in Harrisonburg, VA. Not only is he a well-respected and talented photographer, but has also gained recognition as a ghostwriter.

Rebecca is the owner of The Studio B Photography in the Atlanta, Georgia area. As a recent bride herself, Rebecca is able to better understand what her clients need and enjoys providing them with images that capture the joy of their wedding day.

Ariana Gordon Stecker is the co-founder and Lead Planner for Iris Fields, Inc. She is a seasoned New York City event professional who has been featured on MTV, Fox News, and the New York Times.

Ask the Wedding Maven: A Helpful Maid of Honor

Marta — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 10:25:38 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,

I am the MOH in my best friend's wedding and I am just clueless on what is actually needed to make this her special day. I've never been a MOH before so I'm trying to do my best.

I think the biggest problem is that the bride is on the west coast, the 2 MOH's (including me) are on the east coast, I don't know where the other bridesmaid is, and the wedding is in the Midwest. So we will not be able to go to cake tastings, and the bride will have to rely on pictures of our dresses because she won’t be able to see them in person.

So far it seems that we are doing okay as far as pricing everything and trying to get as much information together as possible in terms of caterers, dresses, and venues. The budget for the wedding has not been determined, the style of the dresses has not been decided (except the color), and the bride has not decided what dress she is going to wear. When were are talking about the wedding she starts telling me things and that is what I run with, but then she actually talks to her finacé and things change.

I am confused and unsure of what I am doing. I want to give her a good day and try to help out as much as possible, but it just seems that I must be lacking something or missing something because it feels as if nothing is getting done.

What else can I do to make this run smoothly? What things are actually needed to make a non-traditional, small wedding do-able on a small budget (probably less than $5,000)?

Any and all advice, suggestions, and plain help would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Confused MOH

Dear Confused,
You seem like a helpful, take charge kind of gal. But here’s the thing, this isn’t your wedding.

It isn’t up to you to go to cake tastings, find caterers, wedding dresses and venues. It isn’t up to you to determine the feel of the wedding or pitch ideas. That is all the job of the bride and groom.

The easiest and best thing for you to do here is also the number one thing that would solve most bride/bridesmaid problems. CALL HER! The bride chose you to be her Maid of Honor, and you accepted. Presumably, that means that the two of you are very close. You should be able to simply say to her “Carol, I love you, I want to help you with your wedding but I have absolutely no idea what you want me to do. What do you want me to do?”

Many brides really don’t want their maids of honor to do anything except listen to them, while others need her to take a more active role. You need to determine what she wants from you, and what roles you are comfortable accepting. Because neither you nor she lives in the same city as the wedding, it would be good to suggest that she find a point person in the wedding location to help with local arrangements.

As the wedding gets closer make sure to find out what exactly she needs for you to do at the wedding itself. How far in advance do you need to be “on location”?

Given how spread apart the wedding party is, I’d also suggest getting the bride signed up for Wedding Pre Party. It will let you all exchange ideas, photos and suggestions in a private atmosphere. The bride can use our customizable checklists to assign you and the other bridesmaids tasks, and you can all keep notes so that everyone is on schedule and sees what the others are doing.

Good luck to you and your bride

The Plunge: Five Ways to Get the Groom Involved

Marta — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 21:55:04 -0400

Special to OneWed from The Plunge

Normally we write for men. Normally we give them tools, tricks, and insights to survive the process. But today, we cross the line to help out you, the readers of OneWed, The Bride. So how do you get your man on board?

5 Ways:

1. Don't pretend the not-fun stuff is fun.
Don't whitewash the fence. Even if you're savvier than Tom Sawyer, usually, this tactic will backfire. We're just not buying it. When you say, "Sweetie, it's going to be so much fun to select those ice sculptures!" you lose credibility. Don't pretend that the not-fun stuff is fun. (Like, say, evaluating the different packages of flowers.) In fact, go the opposite route, which leads us to...

2. Join him in the sarcasm (sometimes).
If you are also a bit sarcastic, suddenly we're on the same page. No, this doesn't mean you need to smother your excitement, feign bitterness, or pretend you're bored by the process. (Honestly, we sort of think it's endearing that you're crazy-into the wedding, and if you were blasé, we'd be troubled.) But. If you take some potshots at the most gratuitous chunks of the planning-vendor meetings, florists, table decorations-the two of you can share a laugh. At that point, we're more likely to believe you when you tell us that something is fun.

3. Focus on money he can save.
There's one word that will grab his attention: money. Especially if you're footing the bill, every dollar spent on the wedding is one less dollar for a house, car, tv, college tuition payment, or his favorite brand of Scotch. Remind him that you're a team, that for the next 70+ years you'll be making financial decisions together, so this isn't bad practice. Appeal to his business acumen: you're not just planning a party, you're jointly managing a high-priced project.

4. Emphasize big picture over details.
Plenty of decisions are crucially important. Many are not. And you only have so much groom-giving-a-damn capital to spend, so spend it wisely. Use reason. For example: instead of a torturous, stressful, 90-minute conversation about stationary, talk to him about why the guestlist is so important, reminding him that it drives nearly every other cost. Focus on the venue, the date, the type of ambiance-the Big Picture stuff that sets the tempo. If he's an active part of those decisions, you're 80% of the way there.

5. Incorporate his interests.
A buddy of mine was like your groom. He shrugged off all the wedding planning. Then his fiancée whispered two words near and dear to his heart: wiffle-ball. This excited him. As part of a three-day destination wedding weekend, he arranged a wiffle-ball tournament for all the guests, and this transformed his entire perspective. He got more involved, he dove into details like the music, and he even started personalizing things like the website and video-invitations. (Seriously.) Once he realized that the wedding wasn't just a stuffy tradition-fest, but instead could be cool, adventurous, and include stuff that he actually likes, he hopped on board. Get quirky. Think about your groom's version of wiffle-ball, and see if you can incorporate.

The Plunge: Why Grooms Should Stay away from Bridal Showers

Marta — Thu, 20 May 2010 10:26:08 -0400

Special to OneWed from The Plunge

[editor's note: The views expressed herein are totally those of a uninformed guy, really, he's never been to a bridal shower! But, his main point that grooms shouldn't go, is still a good one.]

You know how you get with your buddies? Those times when you devolve, caveman-style, into a locker-room mentality of guzzling six-packs? It’s part of who you are, but you’d never, ever let your fiancée see you like this. It would embarrass you, embarrass her, and make her question your sex appeal.

Think of the Bridal Shower as a woman’s version of the Gym Locker Room. It’s unbecoming. It’s embarrassing. And if you witness this freak show, you will find the entire female gender less attractive.

There. Does that tell you everything you need to know about Bridal Showers?

[You]: No. Not even close. What are they, exactly?

They’re usually hosted by the Maid of Honor. And the Bridal Shower’s purpose—long outdated—is to provide you and your bride with even more gifts so that you can start your new life together.

Huh. Well that doesn’t sound so bad.

Wait. There’s a catch. Unlike the wedding gifts, which people send via registry, here the women all sit together, gawking and fawning, as they huddle around each and every gift. It’s awkward. It’s tacky. And since these gifts came from your registry, it’s obvious to everyone in the room how much each person paid. It’s crass.

It still doesn’t sound that bad.

Estrogen, shrieking, and fake-laughing. Imagine being strapped to a chair and forced to watch First Wives Club, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Sex and the City, and every episode of Desperate Housewives on a continuous loop for 96 hours.

Okay, so what are my responsibilities?

To avoid attendance.

Wait, why would I have to go? Isn’t this a lady’s-only thing?

In the old days, yes. Now? In our increasingly complex world, more and more grooms are getting dragged to these hen-fests. The ladies think it’s just adorable for you to show up and make a cameo. Only agree if you’re the kind of guy who also enjoys getting pedicures and joining the ladies for Sunday shopping trips.

Gotcha. How do I get out of this?

If your fiancée asks you to come, you can try and wiggle out of it, but your lame excuse won’t work. Unless…

Unless what?

Unless you get bold. You need to make a preemptive strike. You should proactively bring this up. Fight fire with fire. And enlist the help of your groomsmen.

How?

As soon as you catch word of a bridal shower, tell your fiancée that your best man wants to have a “Groom’s Dinner” on the day of their bridal shower.

Interesting. But how’s that different from the Bachelor Party?

In the same way a Bridal Shower is different from the Bachelorette Party. It’s completely different. The Groom’s Dinner is simply a low-key way for you to bond with your groomsmen: shoot some hoops, drink some beer, play some cards. Nothing wild and crazy. (Also: don’t let them pay for your dinner. There will be plenty of that at the bachelor party. This is simply an excuse, nothing more.)

That just might actually work.

Trust us. If you’re proactive with the idea, it’s the perfect excuse and it makes you seem all extra gung-ho for wedding crap.

Ask the Wedding Maven: Super Bridesmaid?

Marta — Thu, 20 May 2010 09:44:54 -0400

Dear Wedding Maven,
I've always wanted to have my bridal party dress up as superheroes in my wedding. Wonder Woman and Superman, things like that that. My friend of 18 years and matron of honor flat out refuses to even try on a costume. The idea to her is absurd. I even offered to modify the costume so that it’s more flattering but she refuses. What should I do? I like being different but should I compromise to make her happy? Even though this is supposed to be my day.

Signed
Super Bride

Dear Super,
I’m supposed to use it on you, but I’m going to put on the Golden Lasso myself here and give you some difficult truths.

You say you “like being different” but I notice that YOU aren’t the one who wants to wear a costume on your wedding day. Instead, you want to force your friend of 18 years into wearing something that she sees as humiliating.

You ask what you should do so here’s my answer. You and all other brides, should let their bridesmaids wear clothing that it is reasonably priced, flattering and in keeping with the feel and tone of your wedding. If you want a “superhero” themed wedding, then let your matron of honor wear a dress she likes, and provide her with a cape. She can wear the cape during the ceremony, and in some of the pictures.

Problem solved, you get to feel “different” and your friend doesn’t have to feel like the star attraction at a comic book convention.

One final note of truth: the line, “it’s my day” does not excuse you from following the general rules of etiquette and friendship. Use it too often and you may find your wedding punch spiked with kryptonite.

Do you need wedding advice? Do you have a question about wedding etiquette, relationships, or traditions? Write the Wedding Maven at weddingmaven@onewed.com.

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