Single White-Clad Female

by Youngchin

OK, so we’ve all had that friend in elementary school or junior high school where you like each other so much that you start to look alike, right? You do your hair the same and you wear the same kinds of clothes and half the stuff you do the same you don’t even know whose idea it was.

But then you hit high school, and that gets less fun. Only not everyone realizes it. Have you met these women? All grown up and still ready to dress like you at the drop of a hat? The really freaky ones you can spot and peel off pretty quickly. But every now and then a mostly normal woman still has that copying impulse inside. And it stays hidden right up until something stressful like planning a wedding brings it out.

If it happens to you, it’s pretty freakballs. And pretty frustrating. It’s not like the first grade where you could just point at her and yell “She’s copying me!” Even though that’s mostly what you’ll feel like doing. But you’re a grownup, even if she’s not, so you have to take evasive action instead.

Take a step back.
First, make sure you’re not just making mountains out of chiffon and taffeta molehills. In the end, all weddings are still pretty much alike, you know? You have a bride and groom, vows, a bunch of people in matching outfits,

If, on the other hand, she is also having a handfasting ceremony and a Renaissance-themed reception with jousting and giant turkey legs and she and her husband are also getting matching face tattoos, yup, you may have a case.

Go vague.
If she’s copying, she needs to get the details, so keep them to yourself, and ask your bridesmaids to clam up too, You don’t have to scream “Wouldn’t YOU like to know, Queen Xerox?!” Just go adorably flighty and say something like “Oh, it’s so hard to describe,” or, in a pinch, “We want it to be a surprise.” You have also just turned into The Amazing Woman Who Can Never Remember the Name of Her Dressmaker and Never Has Her Wedding Book with Her. Yes, it’s a long title, but it’s a useful one. You can ask your bridesmaids to clam up too – it’s perfectly fine to claim the “surprise” route if you don’t want to spread gossip or risk word getting back to your copier.

Have a mutual friend run interference.
You can’t make any outright accusations of wedding plagiarism or you will automatically look like the crazy one. Plus, the other bride may not see things that way. She may think she’s getting great ideas from you and not see what’s wrong with using them for her wedding too.

Or she may just inherently love your taste. She sees your plans, then she looks at 14 different wedding magazines and 12 different websites, and by then she doesn’t know where the idea for the undersea wedding with the hanging fish mobiles and the octopus bridesmaids came from, she just knows she likes it best.

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A Movable Feast

by Dani

Colette was from Virginia, and Jasper grew up in Oklahoma*. They met at college in Texas, went to grad school in Washington, and then finally moved to Boston. When it came time to get married, they were stumped. It seemed there was no way to avoid making several groups of loved ones travel thousands of miles to celebrate with them, and they knew they had a lot of friends who might not be able to afford plane tickets.

For a while, they joked about just going ahead and pissing everybody off and getting married in North Dakota. Then they hit on the idea of the Reception Tour.

Colette and Jasper had a small ceremony and reception in the city with the largest concentration of friends, took a couple of days for themselves, and then hit the road. In a couple of cities they had parties, and in a couple they just sent word around to meet in a favorite bar or restaurant. They had a great time on their honeymoon, got to see a ton of their friends and relatives, and earned bonus points in Heaven for reducing the wedding stress burden of dozens of people.

It all worked so well because Colette and Jasper did a lot of things right.

They made sure to announce the Reception Tour at the same time as the wedding.
Colette and Jasper were doing the tour to help friends save on plane tickets, so they made sure everyone knew they could still be a part of the celebration even if they couldn’t make the wedding. Their friends could avoid both the financial agonizing and any guilt or sadness at not being at the wedding.

They kept things simple.
The main ceremony and reception were low-key and inexpensive, which means Colette and Jasper had room to budget for their other parties. They knew that their loved ones were more interested in seeing them than in centerpieces, so their other parties were light on formality and heavy on fun. A barbecue or a chips-and-margaritas party is always fun and easy to throw together, even from another city.

They deputized friends at each tour stop.
The deputy friends were ground troops to help set up the parties and field questions, both from invitees and the venues. Sort of remote best men and satellite maids of honor. The deputies helped make sure invitees knew that the parties were informal, and, more importantly, spread the word that the parties weren’t meant to be gifting opportunities. I can’t imagine that anyone would have really suspected either Jasper or Colette of gift fishing, but they felt better having discreet confirmation of that go out.

They had a really good time.
Once the wedding was over, they decided they were done with stress. Since the whole point was to see people they loved to be around, they made sure that they had fun at their own parties – a detail that many newlyweds overlook. Whether you go with one reception or five, make sure to take a Zen moment to enjoy the good people in your life. And then hit the dance floor.

*Names, as always, have been changed to protect the no-longer-innocent.

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When Your Friends and Family Are Your Vendors

by Dani

My friend Erik used to get seriously bummed out when he received wedding invitations. He’s a professional videographer, and most of his invitations came with a note that the happy couple has had a terrific idea! What if he did their wedding video? Wouldn’t that be great? And that could be his wedding present!

All terrific, well-intentioned ideas. Except that Erik never got to enjoy a wedding because he was always too busy recording it, not to mention arriving early to set up and leaving late after he’d broken down his equipment. And there was a minor point that Erik was always too nice to mention, but I noticed when looking at one of his brochures: A full night of his services cost quite a bit more than the average person spends on a wedding present. Though I’m sure they were just looking for an easy solution all around, the happy couples were taking pretty full advantage of Erik’s good nature.

He solved the problem pretty easily: He just started truthfully telling friends who asked that he preferred to enjoy the wedding as a guest instead of working. He had to be firm about it for a while, but eventually his social circle realized that he was off the clock.

If you have a friend or family member who’s a wedding vendor, there’s no real harm in asking if he or she can lend a hand. You should offer to pay at least something, and make sure to leave an easy out if he or she would rather not work your wedding. Make it clear that he or she may attend as a guest, and the invitation isn’t dependant on ponying up services. If you really like your loved one’s work, you may want to go ahead and offer to hire him or her for the full rate. You may get a discount tossed your way, but handle it with good grace if you don’t.

And, unless you’re really strapped for cash, you may not really want free wedding services from a friend or relative. It’s tough to say no to the florist’s ideas and steer toward the arrangements you really want when the flowers are coming for free. Even if your loved one makes the offer, give it some serious (but grateful) thought.

If you do decided to turn down a loved one’s wedding vendor services, make it absolutely clear that the reason is because you’d rather have her dancing than manning the DJ booth. If she’s still upset, tell her about Erik. He’s very happy now.

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Your Immaculate Reception

by Jen

How to have a very, very simple reception: Have everyone park their cars in a circle in a nearby field. Set up a keg and a boom box and have everyone search their glove compartments for mix CDs. Bring cups, batteries, and bug repellant.

Which, now that I think about it, sounds kind of fun.

But if you’d like to go more elaborate, you may want some decorations.

The first thing to check is whether it’s OK to pillage the flowers from your ceremony location. (This is, of course, assuming you bought them in the first place. That friendly wedding chapel in Vegas gets a lot less friendly when you start ripping down the fake orange blossoms.) Secular locations should be fine with this, but many houses of worship believe that any flowers you bring in should be a gift for the community as a whole. Just make sure you check in before you start loading up the car.

A few more things to think about:

The classics
Ribbons, tulle, balloons, floral swags, and flowers in general are reception decoration standards because they work well. They’re easy to get and look terrific. Unless you really have your heart set on wall-mounted marlins and fisherman’s nets as a part of your theme, you don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Your reception guests want to dance, indulge, and congratulate you – you don’t have to pressure yourself to blow their minds with your reception design.

The reception entrance
If your guests are traveling to your reception or if you’re having it in a hotel with several ballrooms, you may want to decorate the entrance to give folks a hint. Live costumed cherubs swaying feathered fans are ideal, or you could go with the elegant simplicity of magic marker on a square of cardboard.

In between those extremes, you can go with an archway, potted plants, or floral swags. Balloons are a nice way to get a fun, festive look on a tight budget. For an extra hint, have one of your ushers stand near the door and periodically jerk his head in the right direction.

The gift table
The gift table will be looking pretty festive on its own with all the gifts on it. You can go basic with a simple table and a floor-length cloth and not hear a word of complaint. If you want a little more, flowers or potted plants can be nice here too, though they’re hardly mandatory. It’s also a good idea to have a holder for cards. My mom wants you to have a wicker basket for that because she wants everyone to have a wicker basket, but you can choose whatever you want. A wire card holder with clips will allow guests to display their cards. Or have you thought about a wicker basket? Just tell my mom you did.

The dining tables
Again, you have a huge leeway and can swank it up or go more casual depending on your budget, though your theme should also be a guide. If your guests will be using crab mallets at any point during the meal, you may want to steer clear of the lace. If you’re going all-out, you may want floral centerpieces, or even mini-ice sculptures, but you can also have a fun, lovely table with small potted plants, glass vases filled with colored stones, or, heck, Tinker Toys if you want them. Just make sure your guests can see each other and talk past them. You can also have fun with napkin rings if you want. Yes, you can go crazy and use actual napkin rings that match the color scheme of your wedding. But you can also play with the idea – anything that is round, tieable, or twistable can secure your napkins. Tinsel? Old 45 records? Poseable action figures? The sky’s the limit.

The buffet table
If you’re having a buffet, you want to draw people’s eyes to the table, but keep things sanitary. Ice sculptures are favorites because they won’t, for example, drop pine cones into the food. That doesn’t mean you can’t have sprays of fresh wildflowers or dried arrangements – just talk to your caterer about the logistics of how much space he or she will need, and where tricky items like chafing dishes will be. Candles can add a soft romantic touch, though, again, think about where people are likely to be leaning in.

Of course, your decorations don’t need to tower above the food. You may just want to have layered tablecloths of different colors, or swaths of fabric along the side of the table. Sometimes snaking lines of small decorations can be fun – I’ve seen everything from flower petals to brightly colored glass beads to confetti and bits of Lego. If you’re going a little more upscale, swag garlands or swaths of tulle make a beautiful table.

The cake table
Put a cake on it.

Seriously – this is another area where your guests are unlikely to notice you’ve gone low-key unless the rest of the wedding is especially elaborate. You’re fine with tablecloths and a cake.

You can also surround the cake with other sweets, or with punch bowls and champagne glasses or a champagne fountain. Some couples surround the cake with the bridesmaid bouquets, or you can have special flower arrangements made just for the cake table. A scattering of flowers or petals is beautiful, especially if the cake itself has floral decorations.

The main rule is there are no rules.
Of course, everything I’ve just said can go straight out the window depending on your taste, theme, and budget. You want a lace-and-unicorns reception? Arabian Nights? All knit and only knit? Go for it. Your guests will love it because it’s you.

And because there’s cake.

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Taking the Cake

by Jen

Ladies, let’s get serious: You must have cake at your wedding.

I don’t care where else you want to go nontraditional or cut costs. I will support you to the death on almost anything else, and so will most of your guests. You can get married on the nude by a stranger who got his or her ordination on the Internet. You can replace the DJ with tambourines and conga drums handed out to your guests at random. You can even replace “I do,” with “Yeah, whatevs,” and, while there may be eye-rolling, most of your guests will remain serene.

But if you try to have a wedding without cake, everyone will have direct evidence that you and your groom were truly in love. Because your guests will have plunged their hands into your chests in order to rip out your still-beating hearts and show them to you.

OK, maybe I’m overstating.

But you do have to have cake, or your guests will be seriously bummed out.

(Yes, vegans, you can have one of your special cakes if you really must. I’m sure the soft weeping you’ll hear will be because your guests are so happy for you. Oh, calm down, I’m kidding. Cake is one of the areas where vegan substitutes are actually pretty tasty.)

I’m not saying you have to have an elaborate tiered cake, or even a professionally baked one. If you have a friend or relative who’s a master of tastiness, a home-baked cake will be perfectly welcome, or tiers of cupcakes can be a fun and festive change.

The consultation
If you do decide to go with a traditional bakery cake, book your baker at least a few months in advance, and be sure to have a consultation (and, ideally, a tasting) before things go too far. You’ll want to make an appointment, and this will probably have to be on a weekday – you want a bakery that’s good enough to be busy with weddings on the weekends, right?

While you should not be charged a fee for the consultation itself, many bakeries will expect you to put down a deposit at the end of the consultation to reserve your wedding date. Very few bakeries will hold your date without a deposit.

At the consultation, talk with your baker (or cake designer, if we’re being fancy) about the type, flavor, icing, and design of your cake. A chiffon cake is a light sponge cake – you’ve most likely had it with fruit or mousse fillings. The heavier version of a traditional wedding cake is called a genoise – it’s a little drier, and used for richer fillings. Less often, you’ll see a croquembouche, which is not so much a single cake as a tower of cream puffs.

The flavor is of course up to you and your groom. If you’re thinking of having a cake with different flavors in the same layer or tier, definitely check in with your baker to see if he or she thinks they’ll work well together. If not, remember that you can use different tiers to separate flavors, or you can use the [[groom’s cake]] for bolder experimentation. (Speaking of bold experimentation, while meat cakes are both tasty and hilarious, they should not be put anywhere near your buffet without large, clear explanations.)

Your choice of icing will be influenced by the overall design of your cake. If you have an elaborate design that needs some artistry to hold things together or are looking for a particularly smooth look, your cake may include a layer of marzipan or fondant, either under the icing or on its own. Marzipan is a malleable confection made of sugar and almonds, which means you’ll pick up some almond flavoring if you use it. Fondant is a stiffly whipped mix that’s almost entirely sugar and water, sometimes with a little lemon flavor thrown in. It can be rolled out for a perfectly smooth, sweet layer that’s strong enough to hold any fripperies you may be adding on.

As for design, your cake is pretty much a blank canvas. Talk to your baker about your wedding theme or color schemes, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Your cake designer, as the veteran of a bazillion weddings, may also have some good ideas you’ve never thought of. Anything you want to bring might be helpful – fabric swatches, pictures, or even the cake cutter if you already have it. Definitely bring your budget – a good designer will work with you to create a beautiful cake that suits your needs.

Pricing
Depending on your region, you can expect wedding cake prices to start at around $2.00 per serving and go up from there. The overall trickiness of your design can affect the price of your cake, and mixing flavors may up the cost as well.

Columns and plates can affect your overall cost as well – some bakeries will rent them out to you, and some will use non-returnable disposable ones. Also check in about set-up and delivery fees; a bakery will usually charge them, while someone who bakes out of his or her home may not.

Sometimes you can save money on a set-up fee by getting a friend or relative to take a quick lesson and do the set-up for you, but Good Lord, do you really want to do that to someone? If I were to drop a tier of a friend’s wedding cake, I wouldn’t even be able to say goodbye. I’d just have to flee directly for the airport and start a new life of shame in a city where no one knew me. If you do decide to do this, choose someone with steady hands.

Most bakeries will expect you pay for the cake in full before your wedding, but many will allow you to make payments over several months leading up to it. Definitely keep copies of all paperwork, including the design you’ve agreed on, and talk to the bakery about their policy for postponements. Make sure you get contact numbers for the bakery and your cake designer in particular, and if you’re using a wedding planner, make sure he or she has those numbers.

Cutting the cake
Traditionally, you and your groom will make at least the first cut together – his manly hand over your dainty one, if you want the full image. If you’re planning on feeding each other, you’ll obviously want to cut the first two slices, and if you’re really going all-out you may want to break out a pair of toasting goblets for the perfect post-wedding-rush-pre-sugar-coma photo opportunity.

The cake cutter and toasting goblets are a good place to save money and boost sentiment. Use them as your “something borrowed,” ideally from a couple whose long and happy marriage you admire.

Remember that once you and your groom have done your bit, you’ll need to designate someone to take over the cutting and serving or you’ll be trapped there. It’s possible that your baker or caterer may provide someone, but expect to be charged a fee.

Scheduling dessert a year from now
Many couples like to preserve the top tier of their wedding cake so they can eat it on their first anniversary. This is a charming custom, but if you do it, throw everything in your preservation arsenal at that cake. Wrapping it in foil and throwing it in the freezer will not be enough. At least deploy some sort of plasticware.

Check with your bakery – if you don’t have superstitions or scruples in that direction, many will happily assist you in cheating on the anniversary layer tradition as part of their service. They can either make you a new “top tier” identical to your original one for you to pick up after your honeymoon, or bake you a fresh replica for the anniversary itself.

Happy wedding and happy eating!

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The Blogger Bride

by Youngchin

I was kind of shocked when I finally figured out how many personal bride blogs there are. Not that we aren’t savvy gals who are full of opinions. It’s just that I couldn’t believe so many of us wanted one more thing to do.

But it isn’t a bad idea at that. The bride blogs are a cool way to vent frustrations and ask for advice. It’s also a way to help out your sisters in white. It’s kinda nice – in a society where lots of people don’t really have big networks of female family members anymore, we’re forming chick communities.

It can help just knowing that other women are dealing with the same stresses or weirdnesses. A little reassurance that you’re not nuts and your family isn’t as bizarre as you maybe thought.

And I do like checking out bride blogs for ideas. Because using a variation on a friend or a sister’s idea in your own wedding? Not cool. But taking inspiration from someone who lives several states away and knows none of your friends? Kind of OK.

If you’re thinking of starting a bridal blog of your own, hey, why not? It’s easy and free. Try blogger.com, blogspot.com, or livejournal.com. You can set up your space in minutes. Here are a few things to think about while you get your fingers limbered up.

Protect your privacy.
The first thing you need to think about is whether you’re going to blog anonymously or not. If you blog as yourself, it’s easy to set up a journal that’s only viewable by approved family and friends. On the other hand, that means you’re going to be a little constrained with the venting part. So decide carefully.

If you decide to blog under an assumed name, awesome. Just don’t get cocky and assume that’s all the protection you need. You never know who’s going to end up on your page. A vented-about friend or relative who does a vanity search can make for trouble. And sometimes strangers can be creepy. Avoid posting identifying information about friends and family, and maybe even vendors if you want to be extra safe. If your blog is open to any old search, avoid posting things like the location of your ceremony or reception. Especially if you or the groom has a psycho ex in the mix.

Whether your blog is public or private, you may also want to avoid posting full-face photos and your full name. I also highly recommend setting up an e-mail contact that’s completely separate from your real e-mail address. If you get totally famous and score a book deal, you can always reveal yourself later.

Think about commenters.
If your blog is invite-only, this won’t be a problem. But if you want to blog to the world at large, you have a choice or two to make. Allowing comments from anyone can be a very cool experience. It’s amazing to get a few words of encouragement or friendly advice from a total stranger. It’s also surprisingly warm and fuzzy to hear from someone that you’ve inadvertently helped. Finding out that just writing about your tough day turns out to have made someone else’s day a little easier is an amazing experience. Plus you get points in heaven without even trying.

On the other hand, the Internet has trolls in it. Trolls are people who feel small and scared in life, so they bully other people as a way to feel big on the ‘net. They’re supposed to be called “trolls” because they go trolling for reactions, but I think it’s secretly because, like fairy-tale trolls, they’re known for bad facial hair choices and only mating once every hundred years.

Anyway, these dudes feel like big studs if they think they are making a stranger sad or angry. So every now and then one will hit your blog just to insult you. You deal with them pretty much like you deal with “comments” posted by bots from German porn sites. Use your goddess-like power of the delete command.

If you can let random insults from strangers roll off your back, opening your comments up to everyone is usually way worth it. If you’re a little more sensitive, you may only want to allow comments from registered users, or only comments you’ve approved. Who is huge and powerful? You are! No troll can touch you!

Remember that your blog is not your diary.
It feels like a diary and people like to pretend blogs are diaries, but it’s just us here, so let’s not pretend. You’re posting your blog online. Anonymous or not, you’re putting it in a place where you are actively encouraging others to read it. So if your entry for the day is likely to be “La la la I don’t know what 2 say. I found some gunk under my toenail and I hope there’s something cool on TV 2nite. Blah blah brideybridey bride…” maybe that one should go in the diary, you know? There’s no need to test your readers’ patience. It’s totally OK to wait to post until you have stuff to say.

Don’t let the blog wag the dog.
Posting about people you have to deal with who are weird or insane is way fun. It’s way easier to be snarky or make jokes about nightmare vendors than the day where your bridal gown saleswoman was incredibly helpful and your mom and bridesmaids were sweet and amazing. If you’re really getting into blogging, masochism for the sake of writing fodder can be a bigger temptation than you might think. If you catch yourself deliberately strolling through Crazytown just to have something to blog about, it’s time to take a break. Turn off the computer, grab that young man of yours, and concoct an evening so naughty that you’d never blog ab

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