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The Wedding Toast Train Wreck

Weddings fill us with LOVE and affection for well, practically everybody, depending on how much you’ve been drinking. We get a few glasses of champagne in us, and we suddenly feel eloquent, inspired, and best/worst of all - we feel a profound need to TOAST to the happy couple, and also to LOVE, lovers everywhere, a prosperous new year for all (when it's already June), and while you're at it, best wishes to everyone, including your ex-boyfriend Randall, who you still haven’t given up on, and BTW your dog Marty is having minor surgery on see where this is going?

This is a wedding toast train wreck. And they can happen at any wedding. BEFORE you pop up and treat 200 wedding guests to the COMPLETE, unabridged history of your friendship with the bride or groom, followed by a rambling, incomprehensible 20 minute wrap-up, take these tips into heavy consideration.

Seriously, how much have you been drinking? Are you a good speaker when you’re sober? Are you a better speaker when you’re not? The answer is most likely no.

Do you have any notes or speaking points? Usually, the Best Man and the Maid of Honor are appointed to give toasts. They’ve (hopefully) put a lot of thought into their toast. Don’t insult them (and everyone else within earshot) by riding their coattails and “winging it”. If you have every intention of making a toast - jot a few brief notes down. And then stick to the script.

Is anyone else giving a toast? Not all couples are pro-toast. We can sympathize. If NO ONE else is making a toast, there’s probably a very good reason for that. Don’t assume it’s because no one loves them enough.

Is EVERYONE else giving a toast? Make it stop. It doesn’t matter if you think your toast will totally trump everyone else’s. Don’t contribute to this somewhat literal wedding train wreck. Write your toast in the guest book instead. They’ll cherish it later.

How likely are you to start weeping or bawling uncontrollably? If you're an overly sentimental sort, PLEASE keep your seat. Your blubbering will be slightly to moderately uncomfortable for everyone.

Do you have a romantic/sexual history with the bride or groom? DO NOT GIVE A TOAST. DO NOT STAND UP. Just don’t do it. You were lucky to be invited at all - don’t draw attention to yourself in any way. You should under no circumstances give a toast.

Could everything you intend to say really be better expressed with a long hug? Words aren’t always best. Your presence and your support at any wedding means more than you know. You don’t have to establish yourself as a VIP by giving a toast. It’s not about you anyway, now is it? What is it you really want to say to the bride and groom? Say it to their faces instead. A simple “Cheers” between friends will probably be more meaningful to them anyway.

We want to hear, brides - what sort of awful wedding toast train wrecks have you witnessed? Have you ever committed a major toasting faux pas?

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