Trash the Dress

By OneWed Editor, Published Sep 10, 2009

A few of my friends have asked me if I’m going to trash my wedding dress. I think it’s because I’m The Arty One. I didn’t know what they meant at first. OK, I miss the occasional trend. So sue me. In case you’ve missed it too, a lot of today’s brides have decided that packing their dresses away in vacuum bags is a less-than-rad way to end their wedding celebrations. Instead, the bride wears the dress one last time for a high-fashion photo shoot that ruins it in the process. You can find a bunch of them up on YouTube. Or I’m sure there’s some kind of fetish group devoted to it by now. I don’t want to know. On the one hand, awesome. Anything that allows me to imitate America’s Next Top Model is officially The Bomb. It’s my favorite wonderful-awful TV show of all time. If I do decide to trash my dress, you better believe I will be smiling with my eyes when I do it. Also awesome? Is the taboo breaking of the whole thing. I love my dress – I’m helping to design it – but I can also see secretly hating it pretty easily. I’m busting ass above and beyond my usual workouts to make sure I look crazeballs good in it. Sometimes that makes me crabby. And even though I’m saving a ton of coin by paying some designy friends to make it, it’s still a lot of money to pay for a dress. I can only imagine how much brides who pay retail must secretly hate their dresses. And the whole thing about how I’m supposed to take perfect care of it until the world ends is a lot of pressure. So, yeah – just breaking through the beauty and the expense and the heirloom expectations and just trashing the damn thing? Awesome. On the other hand, not so awesome. I love me some wanton destruction, but this does seem wasteful in a way I’m not cool with. After all the cash we’re laying out, we’re supposed to add another photo shoot? And brides are supposed to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a dress that takes yards and yards of fabric and then just go “Ha, ha! I can just toss this over my shoulder and into a landfill!” It’s kinda neocon, you know? Not so much smashing up your guitar during a concert as denting your Beemer plowing through the paparazzi on the way to Les Deux. And, I don’t know. If you’re going to trash the dress, trash the dress. Like really trash it. Most of the YouTube vids, like this one and this one, just involve getting the dress wet. I know that’s bad for most wedding dresses, but, I don’t know. It’s hard to get excited about them maybe getting rumpledy. A quick survey of my friends indicated that only some of the women, three gay men, and no straight men got the full horror of the situation. That’s not really my idea of “trashing”. This chick goes balls-out with some motor oil, but she doesn’t really look like she’s enjoying it to me. I don’t feel like the theme of the shoot was her idea. If I decide to trash my dress, you better believe I will be trashing my dress. I’m gonna paint in it, and then that thing is going into a paper shredder. Or a mulcher or something. Or maybe I’ll throw it to the Top Models and tell them there’s a brownie in it. I’ll think about it.

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