You May Now Screw the Bride

By, Published May 2, 2012

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.” Ahhhh, the words you’ve been waiting to hear all of your life. It’s the perfect moment… the sun is setting, the room is glowing, the harpist is gracefully playing her beautiful instrument, and you lean in for that first amazing kiss as husband and wife. The guests can’t help but shift in their seats with anticipation.

Your husband cups your face in his hands, quickly looks into your eager eyes and leans in towards your freshly painted pink lips. When suddenly… smoke appears, the white wedding dress vanishes and some whore in a mini steps in for the bride. The harpist is gone and there’s Cinemax music playing… the imposter tosses the veil away from her face, jumps onto your husband’s tux, wraps her legs around his waist, and shoves her tongue deep into his mouth kissing him like they’ve just stepped over the threshold of the bridal suite.

WHAT? Yeah… brides, grooms and everybody else EVEN thinking about getting married… PRACTICE your first kiss ‘cause ain’t nobody wants to picture the consummation of your marriage after witnessing it.

Obviously I was exaggerating, but seriously I have learned that no couple is safe when left to their own devices and that first matrimonial kiss. And honestly, I have to say that it’s always the quiet ones that surprise the hell outta me up at the alter (you know… the ones I picture having the most boring sex life in the world that make out during the first kiss). But, that’s beside the point… People; consider your audience, and consider the situation. I don’t care if it’s your MO and your guests expect something crude from the two of you… trust me it’ll be a pleasant surprise for everybody to see you have a little respect for the sanctity of the moment, and for marriage if you keep it in your pants (until later).

Have you and your groom discussed the first kiss? Are you both on the same page with how it'll go down? How will you prep for the big moment?

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